D. E. N. I. A. L.

yep, how could we live with out him?

I've discovered not only is he a great coping mechanism, but he has become a close friend of mine.

We just kind of ran into each other. I promise I didn't search him out. I just noticed he was right beside me one day. Our meeting, or shall I say, my recognition of him went something like this:

Friend: "So how are you feeling about your trip coming up in 1 month/3 weeks/2 weeks? You nervous? You going to miss everyone? You sad? You excited?"

Me: "Oh. . .well, uh, hmmm. . . . Oh hello, who are you standing right here next to me?"

Mr. Denial: "D.E.N.I.A.L. At your service. I've been here for a while and I'll be accompanying you for the next. . .while."

Me: "Oh well hello, Mr. D.E.N.I.A.L. I didn't notice you."

Mr. Denial: "Yes, I tend to sneak up on people. But don't worry I'm here to help."

Me: "Oh wonderful. So how will you help?"

Mr. Denial: "I will simply not allow you to realize what is really happening in your life, you know, all the implications and emotions that accompany the big life changes you're experiencing. That way it won't be so hard to deal with."

Me: "hmm that's interesting. . . .You sound so nice, but no offense, let's say I happen to want you to leave? Could we take breaks from each other every now and then?"

Mr. Denial: "Perhaps. But you'll have to figure out how to get rid of me because I'm afraid I'm not going to tell you that."

Me: "Hm. Ok, nice to meet you New Companion . . .well friend, to answer your question, I have no idea how I'm feeling about my trip or the fact that I'm leaving the most wonderful people in the world for 6 months that I've intensely lived life with for the past 2 years (and some more than that) and an extremely closely-knit family. It seems that this new companion of mine has kept me from being aware of some things."


=)
Now for all of you that are feeling like that's a little weird and perhaps concerning, don't worry, that was just to be funny.

I'm not actually sure if I am in denial or what exactly is going on. (I don't think I'm in denial. I just deal with things differently than others.) I truly have been just living in the moment. Taking each day as it comes and trying to do what needs to be done for that day and BE with the people I'm with that day. That can not be complete denial because I am very aware that my time with each person is very limited so I am soaking up each moment.

I haven't really felt extremely overwhelmed or scared. A couple of weeks ago I was having lots of moments of realization. I had a couple of days of sadness and not wanting to let go of the incredible relationships I have. Or think about missing the holidays with my wonderful family. But then I think Mr. Denial found me again. Or perhaps I just realized how hard it is, dealt with it, felt the emotions, then accepted it. (I think that's the truth.)

But this past week I've had to say lots of goodbyes. And I have had lots of people ask me how I'm feeling about leaving so soon. All that good stuff. And then that's when I realized maybe I do like a little bit of denial. I joke about being in denial all the time, as I am doing in this post, but the hidden line of truth shows up in the goodbyes.

I hate goodbyes.

Hate them.

I really just like to say "see you later." Why can't we always just say that?

I've been saying that to many people and then when I get to the "later" part, I have to pause, and then I just choose to say "in a while." That comforts me. I can move on and not be faced with the fact that I probably won't see this person for 6-7 months. Possibly never again. This possibly could be the end of our relationship, in a sense, simply because I don't know what our lives may look like in 6 months. All of that starts to invade me as I say goodbye to people, but then my sweet little companion, Mr. Denial, comes in and says "see you later! You'll see them again soon, Juliette! It's just a normal goodbye. Don't think about all the implications."
Then all is well.

Just so you all know: If I don't seem dramatic enough at our goodbye, or don't seem to be showing the proper emotion, it is simply because Mr. Denial has a very loud voice inside my head and all I hear is "You'll see them again soon. It's just a normal goodbye!" And I can't hear all the sad things about the situation. But don't worry, it comes later--when I am sitting alone and I allow myself to think about what it will be like to be gone and I have enough energy to silence Mr. Denial's voice.

Much of this is all in jest, with a little truth woven in, but the real truth is the simple fact that I know the Lord has me in the palm of his hand and I am filled with nothing but peace when I think about my trip, even when I think about the many potential concerning things, because I know the trip was set up in the Spirit. The Spirit is going ahead of me, will be with me, and is with me now. I know I will be exactly where he wants me and I know I am currently exactly where he wants me. I truly do get very sad when I think about being separated from "my people's" lives, and I know that is a good thing to experience. What a blessing to have so many wonderful people to be sad about!

The fact is, I am content with where the Lord has me, the town I've been in, and the people he has put in my life. I'm not searching for anything different. The Lord has given me exactly what I need because he is my loving Father who wants the best for me. But I believe that the next part of his plan for me is to go to Uganda. I'm not 100% sure why (can we ever be?), and I'm not sure what comes after that. I am excited to be there, but I am sad to leave here. As much as I hate the pain involved in leaving relationships I hold so dearly, in the words of a wise woman I know: the pain is part of the beauty. the joy now is part of the pain later and without the pain now, there would be now joy later.

I will embrace them both!

This is all part of the journey. The beautiful journey He's taking me on of growth, dependency, transformation, peace, and deep, deep love.