D. E. N. I. A. L.

yep, how could we live with out him?

I've discovered not only is he a great coping mechanism, but he has become a close friend of mine.

We just kind of ran into each other. I promise I didn't search him out. I just noticed he was right beside me one day. Our meeting, or shall I say, my recognition of him went something like this:

Friend: "So how are you feeling about your trip coming up in 1 month/3 weeks/2 weeks? You nervous? You going to miss everyone? You sad? You excited?"

Me: "Oh. . .well, uh, hmmm. . . . Oh hello, who are you standing right here next to me?"

Mr. Denial: "D.E.N.I.A.L. At your service. I've been here for a while and I'll be accompanying you for the next. . .while."

Me: "Oh well hello, Mr. D.E.N.I.A.L. I didn't notice you."

Mr. Denial: "Yes, I tend to sneak up on people. But don't worry I'm here to help."

Me: "Oh wonderful. So how will you help?"

Mr. Denial: "I will simply not allow you to realize what is really happening in your life, you know, all the implications and emotions that accompany the big life changes you're experiencing. That way it won't be so hard to deal with."

Me: "hmm that's interesting. . . .You sound so nice, but no offense, let's say I happen to want you to leave? Could we take breaks from each other every now and then?"

Mr. Denial: "Perhaps. But you'll have to figure out how to get rid of me because I'm afraid I'm not going to tell you that."

Me: "Hm. Ok, nice to meet you New Companion . . .well friend, to answer your question, I have no idea how I'm feeling about my trip or the fact that I'm leaving the most wonderful people in the world for 6 months that I've intensely lived life with for the past 2 years (and some more than that) and an extremely closely-knit family. It seems that this new companion of mine has kept me from being aware of some things."


=)
Now for all of you that are feeling like that's a little weird and perhaps concerning, don't worry, that was just to be funny.

I'm not actually sure if I am in denial or what exactly is going on. (I don't think I'm in denial. I just deal with things differently than others.) I truly have been just living in the moment. Taking each day as it comes and trying to do what needs to be done for that day and BE with the people I'm with that day. That can not be complete denial because I am very aware that my time with each person is very limited so I am soaking up each moment.

I haven't really felt extremely overwhelmed or scared. A couple of weeks ago I was having lots of moments of realization. I had a couple of days of sadness and not wanting to let go of the incredible relationships I have. Or think about missing the holidays with my wonderful family. But then I think Mr. Denial found me again. Or perhaps I just realized how hard it is, dealt with it, felt the emotions, then accepted it. (I think that's the truth.)

But this past week I've had to say lots of goodbyes. And I have had lots of people ask me how I'm feeling about leaving so soon. All that good stuff. And then that's when I realized maybe I do like a little bit of denial. I joke about being in denial all the time, as I am doing in this post, but the hidden line of truth shows up in the goodbyes.

I hate goodbyes.

Hate them.

I really just like to say "see you later." Why can't we always just say that?

I've been saying that to many people and then when I get to the "later" part, I have to pause, and then I just choose to say "in a while." That comforts me. I can move on and not be faced with the fact that I probably won't see this person for 6-7 months. Possibly never again. This possibly could be the end of our relationship, in a sense, simply because I don't know what our lives may look like in 6 months. All of that starts to invade me as I say goodbye to people, but then my sweet little companion, Mr. Denial, comes in and says "see you later! You'll see them again soon, Juliette! It's just a normal goodbye. Don't think about all the implications."
Then all is well.

Just so you all know: If I don't seem dramatic enough at our goodbye, or don't seem to be showing the proper emotion, it is simply because Mr. Denial has a very loud voice inside my head and all I hear is "You'll see them again soon. It's just a normal goodbye!" And I can't hear all the sad things about the situation. But don't worry, it comes later--when I am sitting alone and I allow myself to think about what it will be like to be gone and I have enough energy to silence Mr. Denial's voice.

Much of this is all in jest, with a little truth woven in, but the real truth is the simple fact that I know the Lord has me in the palm of his hand and I am filled with nothing but peace when I think about my trip, even when I think about the many potential concerning things, because I know the trip was set up in the Spirit. The Spirit is going ahead of me, will be with me, and is with me now. I know I will be exactly where he wants me and I know I am currently exactly where he wants me. I truly do get very sad when I think about being separated from "my people's" lives, and I know that is a good thing to experience. What a blessing to have so many wonderful people to be sad about!

The fact is, I am content with where the Lord has me, the town I've been in, and the people he has put in my life. I'm not searching for anything different. The Lord has given me exactly what I need because he is my loving Father who wants the best for me. But I believe that the next part of his plan for me is to go to Uganda. I'm not 100% sure why (can we ever be?), and I'm not sure what comes after that. I am excited to be there, but I am sad to leave here. As much as I hate the pain involved in leaving relationships I hold so dearly, in the words of a wise woman I know: the pain is part of the beauty. the joy now is part of the pain later and without the pain now, there would be now joy later.

I will embrace them both!

This is all part of the journey. The beautiful journey He's taking me on of growth, dependency, transformation, peace, and deep, deep love.

Some more interesting Differences

MORE HAS BEN ADDED TO THIS POST. IF YOU'VE ALREADY READ IT, LOOK FOR THE RED

This post requires you to have read the previous post. . .So if you want to read this very interesting post, go check out the previous one. If not, skip it all!

Now let's continue with some differences between Africans and Westerners according to the book "African Friends and Money Matters"

--When an American needs money, he works for it. When an African needs money, he talks for it.

My friend Ryan, who has spent much time in Africa, made a comment about this observations in the comment section of this post and I think it is worth posting on here to clear things up.
"I think the jest of what he is getting at with that statement is that Westerners are usually too prideful to ask for help, so we just work and work and work until we can provide what we need. Whereas, Africans usually don't have that level of pride when it comes to finances." This is true. I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression that Africans do not work for what they need, because from what I know, from what the book points out, and as Ryan points out, they certainly work very hard. This observation is referring more to emergency situations that come up in life, not meeting the day-t0-day needs of life.

Africans are very sensitive and alert to the needs of others and are quite ready to share their resources.

Being involved financially and materially with friends and relatives is a very important element of social interaction for Africans whereas Westerners distrust friendships that regularly include financial or material exchanges.

Africans assist their friends who are in financial need as a form of investment for those future times when they themselves might have needs. This arrangement constitutes a virtual banking or savings system.

(This really is so interesting to me. This is just a COMPLETELY different mindset than what we have. We both have forms of savings, investment, credit, etc--ours just depends on non-personal, big institutions while theirs is personal and relational. Again, I am not saying one is better than the other. I'm just saying that I find the difference interesting and I wish there was a way to blend the two.)

--Africans do not want to be independent or autonomous. They want to live in interdependent community. They want to share material goods—both receiving and giving—with those near them. People are generous with others. Sharing and equality between close friends in the rule, not the exception.

(This is obviously a very broad generalization, because we know there are many Africans these days who are wanting to be more and more independent. I think the main point here is that overall, in general, as a culture, almost all African cultures are extremely interdependent and communal.)

-- Westerners readily share their knowledge but are possessive of things and space. Africans are possessive of their knowledge but readily share their things and space.

Africans avoid being alone. They prefer to work in groups while farming, or on the job in the city, or in the kitchen—in fact, during virtually all the time not spent sleeping. If an individual ahs a preference for being a lone to a noticeable extent, he or she is considered strange, antisocial, or even to be feared.

Westerners who have lived in Africa sometimes ask, ‘Do Africans have no need for privacy?’ I believe they do, but I would argue that their privacy generally takes the form of thought privacy. My experience has been that Africans do not verbally express many things that Westerners express without hesitation.

In contrast, westerners share their thoughts and knowledge much more freely than do Africans. The Internet and the countless scientific journals that publish the latest in research findings are examples, reflecting Western values. One of these is the belief that society will benefit from a free sharing of information.
(EX: asking athletes how they felt right after winning; media asking a family how does it feel to lose your house to the tornado, blogs, facebook, etc.)

(This is going to be very interesting for me. I definitely fit the typical Westerner in this case, though I have been trying for a few years now to be more of a typical Jesus follower (not necessarily African) who is not possessive with my things or space. But i also want to continue readily sharing knowledge as well. Maybe not so much in the form of facebook. . . but I suppose blogging is okay. =) I have learned about this difference in books I have read previously, so I am very interested to see this lived out.)

There are many, many more things I could share from this book, but no need to overwhelm. These are just the big ones that I found the most interesting and most different. Do with it what you will.

I had an encouraging conversation with a friend of mine yesterday who's parents were born and raised in Ghana, Africa. His parents moved here many years ago and he was raised here. He said that he read these past two post and thought something to the effect of "So this is why my parents and I have had so many communication problems over the past 18 years!" He referred to the ambiguous communication that they express with him and how all he longs for them to get t to point, be direct, just say it like it is! He also feels the tension of their desire for interdependency and his for independence. He said they tried to instill much of that in him, but he grew up going to public school and there just wasn't much hope for some of those African characteristics to break through what he was learning from his Western peers. Anyways, I just found this conversation incredibly interesting due to the fact that he saw all of these differences in one household in America.

Some differences between Africans and Westerners

As I mentioned in my last post, this book is wonderful. It is extremely insightful, practical, and sociological--3 of my favorite things. =)

I thought I would share some of the highlights from the book about the differences between African culture and Western. Note: yes, these are generalizations. Nothing is "across the board" when talking about groups of people. And we never use 'never' or 'always.' The guy who wrote this has lived in many different African countries for over 30 years. It was written in 2001. He does a great job of not lifting one culture above the other but simply observing characteristics of African cultures and how they differ from their Western counterparts.

The following is almost completely verbatim from the author, with a few of my own inserts. . . .

(Note: I would say the two underlying differences running throughout all 99 observations is the fact that African culture is founded on interdependence/ solidarity and ambiguity, whereas Western culture is founded on independence and directness/certainty.)


--Africans find security in ambiguous arrangements, plans, and speech. . . Westerners find security in clearly defined relationships, arrangements, plans, and speech.

Ambiguity is an art in Africa. Africans speak naturally, with eloquence, and without hesitation or stumbling over words, but their language is often imprecise and their numbers inexact.

Westerners like to “lay their cards on the table,” “face the facts,” “call a spade a spade.”
The confrontive, direct approach that many of us have been trained in is inappropriate here. First of all, you won’t pick up what people are trying to tell you. Secondly, people will find you offensive.

"The westerner who would want to resolve a problem in one minute [directly stating the facts of a problematic situation and getting right to the point] and with a handshake without dialoguing, would leave a residual feeling of animosity. Dialogue is the solution to many problems. Some people say Westerners communicate but do not dialogue. In communication a no is a no and a yes is a yes. What counts is that the other person comprehends the message that is being transmitted. In dialogue, on the other hand, the heart of the matter is looked for, going beyond the words to address the feelings and the passions. Dialogue is therefore stronger than communication because it permits one to put himself in the place of the other, to understand from the interior and not just the exterior."
[Written by an African]

(This is probably the most concerning observation for me personally because it is going to effect my day-to-day, moment-to-moment life there. Anyone who knows me knows I am one of the most direct, get-to-the-point type of person they know. I am not very good at casual conversation. I want to get to the meat! I ask direct, specific questions. I have been trying to get better at this direct approach, and I feel that I have, but I think/hope I will experience an extreme amount of growth in this area.)


--Africans are more hospitable than charitable and Westerners are more charitable than hospitable. Charity is defined here as giving that is impersonal and planned. Westerners give billions to charitable organizations, but individually may not want to offer a meal to someone not invited or planned for. Africans will offer a meal to all who drop in, but give little to charities.

I found this observation very interesting. I already have a distaste for our oh-so-impersonal way of giving. Let other people do the hard, life-changing work while we just write a check. (I'm not condemning writing checks to charities, I'm just wondering if there is a better way.. . .like, should our charity stop when we cross our X's on the check?) If we ALL personally knew, loved, and took care of the people all around us who are in need, would we have a need for charities? Or maybe the reason why so many Americans just write big checks is because they just do not know anyone in need. Which is a huge problem in itself. . . Anyways, this is one of those observations that makes me want to figure out to have a culture that takes the hospitality from Africans and charity from Americans and make something beautiful. =)

--Success in life for Africans is attained through personal relationships, through connections with people in positions of power and authority whereas success in life for Westerners is attained through ability, hard work, education, delayed gratification, established within the framework of a just society.

Americans often fail to recognize how much their realization of personal success is dependent upon elements outside themselves: educational and employment opportunities, a dynamic and entrepreneurial economy, stability of government, the rule of law, and countless other factors.

More to come in the next post.....

There is no me without you

"There Is No Me Without You" by Melissa Fay Greene

Please purchase this book and read it.

A couple of reasons why you should read it:
1. Anyone who wants to know more of my heart of why I am going spend the next 6 months in Uganda

2. It is a true story but presented in a wonderful fiction-story form and those are always the BEST books

3. It is very educational. It will open your eyes immensely.

It is about a middle-class Ethiopian woman who is normal like the rest of us. She loses some big things in her life, her life completely changes, and finds herself taking care of tons of orphans who just keep showing up at her house.


For those of you planning to go to Africa anytime soon, this is a must read:

"African Friends and Money Matters" by David Maranz

My friend who spent 9 month in Malawi suggested it to me and it is proving to be just as insightful for me as it was for him. Very, very practical anthropological descriptions on the cultural differences between Africans and Westerns. It is definitely more about African "friends" than the "money matters." Slightly boring at times, but SOO helpful. I am so grateful that I'm getting to read this book before I leave.

Uganda, here I come!

I am leaving to go to Uganda for 6 months on September 1st.

I am working with Africa Renewal Ministries' orphanage called Bethany's Village right on Lake Victoria (one of the most beautiful wonders of the world.) The I will be next to is called Gaba. You can check out ARM's website with the link on the left of this page. But here are some pictures and such of Bethany's Village, where I'll be living.

I will start off living with the Director's family. Uncle Willy and Auntie Milly. =) And their 3 beautiful children. I may move into one of the children homes which is what I'm hoping for, but we shall see. The homes are arranged by having 15 children (of various ages) in each home with a house mom. You see why I want to move into a home?? How do these house moms do it? I've had the privledge of helping out mothers of 3 children in America--I can't imagine 15!

Bethany's Village is completely staffed by Ugandans. I will probably be the only white/Western person there. I am very excited about that. The Lord has simply given me a strong love for Africans. It is one of those things you just can't explain. I do not glamorize them or pretend they are perfect. (My concerns will come on a different post.) I just simply love the way they talk, laugh, smile, joke, tell stories, the stories they have, and the strong character I continue to find within them. But I'm sure through out the next 6 months I will be able to observe many things about the Ugandan culture that I do not like or do not understand. I have done much research so I feel as though I will be as prepared as you can be without the actual experience.....so I don't know how much that really counts for. =)

I also plan to spend about a month at The Aids Orphan Rescue Program.
Hopefully with the education part or Vocational Training for Youth and Widows.

I have a connection with a Ugandan guy named Phillip who will hopefully be able to take me to at least one other ministry called Family Empowerment Uganda and possible more!

My hopes for the trip are rather simple:
--To support and empower the native workers and leaders at these different ministries
--To follow the calling the Lord has given me and be blown away by his faithfulness
--To learn how to interact with and love orphans and people of another culture
--To be pushed out of my comfort zone and to learn new skills that can be used to serve others
--To know my Father more deeply by experiencing him through the culture and eyes of Ugandans (Oh if we could all experience the Lord through the lenses of all the different cultures of the world....perhaps that is what heaven will be like?!)

I strongly believe our loving Daddy created us to live our lives in community so I have spent much time in prayer about what community will look like for this trip. Here are a few ways I see:
--I will be connected in Spirit with my home community in College Station who will be sending me off. I truly hope this leads to a partnership with my home community--through adoption or many other different possibilities!
--I am praying for other friends to join me in my time there. Please come! I'm not giving up hope that someone will come visit!
--I hope that my friends and family will take part of supporting me in this trip by contributing financially. I have learned that whatever we are connected to monetarily, if even in very small amounts, we are connected in Spirit and Heart as well—and I truly want to be connected as much as possible! Thus far my community has lived up to these expectations!

I made $1760 at a garage sale last week due to many people donating TONS of items and SO much help from everyone in putting it all together! And the money just keeps coming in!

Jesus never mentioned unanswered prayer

"Jesus never mentioned unanswered prayer; He had the boundless certainty that prayer is always answered."

Wow. I have definitely thought and heard about all the "ask and you will receive" stuff, but this line by Oswald Chambers hit me in a new way today.

Never a mention of unanswered prayer.
He always answers.

But what about when it really and truly seems like there is NOTHING coming down the communication lines for your Father and you're seeking all sorts of possible ways to hear him?

"Have we by the Spirit the unspeakable certainty that Jesus had about prayer, or do we think of the times when God does not seem to have answered prayer?"

I have been believing that God always answers in His ways, according to His timing, and sometimes we are just oblivious to it.

Well, he got me again. Maybe I've just been oblivious. . . even though I thought I was checking every form of communication. Even telegram.

As for "his timing"--what about when the timing seems to run out? What about when you have to make a decision and there's been no answer? You don't make the decision? What about when you know he hasn't left you alone or anything, but it just really seems like he's being silent on a particular issue?

"God answers prayer in the best way, not sometimes, but every time, although the immediate manifestation of the answer in the domain in which we want it may not always follow....The danger with us is that we want to water down the things that Jesus says and make them mean something in accordance with common sense; if it were only common sense, it was not worthwhile for Him to say it. The things Jesus says about prayer are supernatural revelations."

Lachrymation = the floodgates of our eyes

This might possibly be my most random post. ever.

I have been contemplating the phenomenon of crying.
So strange isn't it?

So strange how our physical body and our emotions are so connected without our mind even being aware of it sometimes?

We can be sitting there, doing or saying something we think is completely safe, and boom, the tears come. Something was happening in our emotions that our mind was not aware of, but our tear ducts certainly were.

(and keep in mind, our "emotions" are part of our "minds." its all so weird.)

And then, even when we put all of our mental and physical power into holding back the tears, sometimes the emotions are so powerful, there is nothing we can do. They just flow. Its actually a chemical reaction. Man, how I'd like to see those chemicals in action. I want to see the trigger, then another trigger, then the build up, then the mix, then the reaction. And all the while, my mind is doing everything it can to try to stop it....but its too late, the chemicals have been released.
Those emotions are sneaky.

And then, the tear ducts connect to your nose (how does this happen?? or actually, why does it happen??? why the nose??), and it starts flowing.

And then your voice--you know the tremble. Why??

And then, if the emotions are feeling extra confident that day, you feel it in your whole body. A little crunch in the back. The face contorts. (why so oddly?? why?) You become weaker. Your whole body is involved in the process, its harder to breath. Actually, the loss of breath can happen at any part in the process. Maybe from shock at what your body is doing? Maybe from overflow of emotions? Maybe from your nose being stopped up? Maybe from the fact that your body is focused on the whole crying process that it forgets to do the other functions?

And check this out: "Tears produced during emotional crying have a chemical composition which differs from other types of tears: they contain significantly greater quantities of hormones."
This is interesting because I've heard that a proposed theory for why we "feel better" after crying is because of the elimination of hormones associated with stress. "Crying is a mechanism developed in humans to dispose of this stress hormone when levels grow too high."
We truly are releasing things that NEED to be released!

Isn't is strange, overwhelming, sometimes beautiful, and sometimes really hard to be in that moment when someone is talking to you, completely normal, and then boom, it hits. Sometimes we are warned and we can see it building up....but sometimes....sometimes it just comes out and no one, not even the crier, is prepared! And then the tears change everything. Changes the whole conversation. And you know it changes the weight of the words. The minute the tears come--everyone starts listening closer. How does it have that effect??
And then for people like me, if I'm listening to someone speak (whom I'm not in conversation with), and they start crying--boom, it triggers something in me and you know its coming. why??? Why do tears have that effect on us?

But then other times, if I'm in conversation with someone, and they start crying, there's no way I'm going to cry--even if I tried. Its like my mind is just too focused on trying to figure out why they are crying, how I can make it better, and how I can be the rock for them at that moment.

Oh lachrymation...you perplex me, yet you are beautiful. You are your own beast. You have your own mind. You mark many moments in our lives. You communicate great things in our lives. What an interesting part of the human experience.