Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Glimpse Into Motherhood





I've found myself in a very unique season of life right now-- a "pretend mom", "au-pair," "live-in nanny," what-have-you.

Words cannot describe how thankful I am for this season.

There is absolutely no way I could learn the things I'm learning right now any other way, except of course to have jumped right into mothering my own children with my own husband.

But what a blessing to get practice! What a blessing to get to learn from two amazing parents!
What a blessing to get to spend my days with an incredible wife & mother, interact with her continuously, and learn from what she has already established SO beautifully!

What I am most grateful for, and perhaps was a bit surprising to me, is that I am getting glimpses into my own weaknesses regarding "running a home and raising children."

I say glimpses because I know this is but a taste. I know that I am not doing the full deal right now. They are not MY children and I am not doing it alone. at. all.
AND I'm just jumping right into a season of their life, into a home that is already established and running a certain way.

So I say: glimpses.

Everyone who knows me knows I struggle with needing to have control.
Needing a plan.
Plan.
Plan.
Plan.
I am task-oriented.
I prefer things to go a certain way at a certain time in a certain manner.
I like organization.

Thankfully, I am "apprenticing" a woman who is extremely organized and is great at planning as well. I do not know how this season would be if she were not like that!

I have not fully processed this out, because I have only gotten a glimpse of it, but I am noticing that I have become much more compulsive about cleaning clutter, planning things in my head or on paper, cleaning of any sort actually, organizing, organizing, organizing, planning, planning and basically always doing something with my body, since I have been in this season.

Sometimes I will just look around my, non-messy room, and feel the compulsion to clean and organize it in a way that I've NEVER felt before.

Is it because three young children are pretty much the opposite of organization, things going a certain way at a certain time/ things going as planned? And perhaps this is my first time to be put in a situation where I am surrounded by toys, books, colors, clothes everywhere all. the. time. and dirtiness accumulating so much faster than with only adults. . .so perhaps my psyche is over-reacting and longing for what I've been used to for 23 years? And perhaps it just needs time to adjust? And perhaps this is exactly what every mom has to go through?

Is it because they are not my OWN children and it is not MY household so I don't have full authority over what they do, learn, how they behave. . .and how everything should be organized. . . and how the whole "plan" is supposed to go? But perhaps my mind/psyche/instinct feels like it needs that. But because I do not get it, it is over-compensating in other ways?

Is it because I've always been hyper-vigilant since a child and always felt like I needed to be an adult and be in-control and so now that I am put a little more fully into that "mother-esque" role, that thing inside me that i've had since childhood is coming out in full force? And when I actually do become a mother of my own children and home, it will come out 10 times more than it is now?

Who knows.

I do not think this is necessarily a bad thing.
But it can be bad, for sure.

So, I am grateful that I can begin to process through this right now.

Is this stemming from anything unhealthy inside of me?
How can I balance it with spontaneity, rest & relaxation, peace admist chaos, patience with achieving organization and cleanliness?
Can I begin to practice even now how to have fun, bond, rest and relax with children AND be productive and organized right now with the Norvell's, or is that something I won't really be able to practice till I have my own children?

In the end, I want my kids & husband to know that yes, instinctually I am a "Martha," but I want them to see often and truly know that I can be a "Mary" as well. And maybe one day, they will see my instincts change. Maybe.

So that is probably the biggest surprise glimpse I've gotten. And I have just begun to process it.

The not so surprising educational glimpses I am getting are, of course:
-different methods of disciplining and training children
-different learning styles
-how to relate to different children with different personalities
-that i will have a very hard time with that line above
-communication within marriage
-how much my temperament will affect my children and my husband
-how much there is to do as a "stay home" mom
-ways to teach my children about the Lord
-how the heck to answer, or don't answer, theological questions from 8 year olds

and that's just the beginning!