Sunday, October 30, 2011

Wedding Pinterest Day!

This is my favorite!!!!!! Chalkboard middle, with burlap and wire for pics!


My dear friend and Crafty Wedding Coordinator, Meg "Ms. Egg" Mattingly, made a special trip up to stay with me for the sole purpose of helping me craft, sand, paint, staple, dance, and craft more!

The plan is to use these things for wedding decor and then put them up in our new home, but that may not go as planned. I am not sure what I will actually get to use for the wedding, just because of practical things like we're not allowed to hang things on the wall of our reception center. .. and I'm sure our home will not be big enough to put all of this in there. But all of it WILL be put to good use!

Yes, many of these ideas are from Pinterest, but some are from Ms. Egg herself and some are from other people I picked up along the way. Pretty sure NONE of these were creative ideas of my own. =) My special gift is that I'm good at discovering others' creative ideas and finding people to help me make the ideas happen. =)

Check it out!!



One of Adam and I's favorite songs ever. =)


The crafty genius herself!


Workin hard with all her burlap!


This has wires across it to hang pics. Love the worn look. =)


Yay chalkboard!


Meg did an incredible job with these doors!! Incredible I say!



Chicken wire inside to hang pictures on!

This one is not complete but at least its painted fun!


Burlap frame with wire across to hang pictures!!
Probably my second favorite!
This was totally Meg's awesome idea!

Monday, October 24, 2011

This Man


This is the man I am marrying on January 21st, 2012.

This man is a man's man.

This man loves me deeply.

This man is a taaaaaalker.

This man is goofy and hilarious.

This man is a farmer at heart.

This man has pursued me well.

This man came out of no-where in my life.

This man is very analytical and he is deeper than the ocean.

This man digs into my emotions, my intellect, and my spirit.

This man likes to teach me how to dance. =)

This man fights for me. Really fights for me.

This man shares his thoughts and emotions with me reaaaally well.

This man just straight up communicates really well.

This man knows how to be fun, silly, and crazy.

This man knows how to be deep, thoughtful, and serious.

This man loves Jesus a lot.

This man loves me a lot.

This man is perfect for me and I simply can not wait to spend the rest of my life with him!





I've just had the urge to write this all down and share it with the world. . . .

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Cups

(This was just a "thought/vision" that came to my mind yesterday)

I'm in a large, large room filled with tables
On these tables are many, many cups.

Its a room
filled
with
cups.

And the cups are filled with liquid.
Completely full to the brim.
I'm surrounded by these cups.

Most of these cups are filled with Anxiety and Stress.
I'm searching desperately for the cup of Peace.

It has to be in here.
I just know it.
In a room FILLED with cups, there has to be at least one cup of peace!
I'm frantically searching. But only with my eyes.
I'm not moving around much in fear that I may hit one of the tables and make all those cups of anxiety spill. It would take just ONE little nudge for that to happen.

I'm trying not to be frantic as I search for the cup of Peace, as that seems contradictory.
How will I find the cup of peace if I am anxious?

But how can I NOT be filled with anxiety when I am literally surrounded by millions of cups, brimming full, of Anxiety and it seems nearly impossible to spot the cup of Peace, especially when I've never been good at puzzles or any games that require you to spot something that is hidden amidst lots of craziness???

But I spot it.
It actually wasn't across the room from me.
It was at a table very near to me!
I didn't have to take but one step to reach it--right in the middle of a table surrounded by Anxiety.
I pick it up with shaking hands being as careful as possible NOT to nudge the others.
The thought of Anxiety spilling over in this room is overwhelmingly frightening.

I put the cup to my lips and begin to drink the cup of Peace with eyes closed.
Oh how refreshing.
How sweet!
How fulfilling.

My body relaxes.
My eyes are gently closed.

And then it happens.

An earthquake.

The room trembles.
The ground shakes.

My eyes pop open to see the planks of liquid across the tops of the cups ripple out to the edges.
A room full of cups of Anxiety--trembling.

I keep the cup of Peace to my lips.
Continuing to drink deeply.
I know I mustn't put it down for an instant.

The earthquake gets stronger.
A few cups spill over the edge.
A few more cups are actually knocked over!

My body begins to tense up, but I do not put down the cup at my lips.
And as I gulp, my body eases and I remember what I am drinking.
The cups are spilling over--a room full of Anxiety spilling over--and my body remains relaxed.
My breathes remain deep.
My eyes gently shut again.

As long as that cup is against my lips and the liquid continues to flow into my mouth and down into my body, I am safe.

I am secure.

I am relaxed.
I am filled with Peace.
And it is sweet.

And the cup never runs empty.
No matter how much I tilt it up.
It continues to flow.

I must only keep it to my lips and never put it back down.
And no matter how much anxiety spills around me, washes my feet, fills the room, tries to drown me--it will not succeed as long as the cup of Peace is held to my lips, flowing into my body.

I must cling to the cup of Peace.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Broken and Faithful

Tuxedo in the closet, gold band in a box
Two days from the altar she went and called the whole thing off
What he thought he wanted, what he got instead
Leaves him broken and grateful

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that's not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that's not what you said

When I get to heaven I'm gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

Staring in the water like Esops foolish dog
I can't help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What I thought I wanted
And what I got instead

I want to be broken, peaceful, faithful, grateful


These are lyrics from quite possibly my favorite song writer ever, Sara Groves.

How true these words are. How they are the cry, the anthem of my heart!

I truly have "passed understanding" a long time ago. I still have the instinct in me that tries so desperately to understand why things happen the way they do. I still want things to make sense in their neat little boxes. I want explanations. I want a+b=c.

But in my short life, it has become quite apparent to me--that search will be in vain.

We are in a teaching series at church right now about this whole idea.
Believing in a God who is "in the space after the question marks."

About how we tell God, "Fix this! Fix this! But if you're not gonna fix it, at least make sense of it."
And so often, he simply does make sense of it.

What if learned to be more like this song implies?
Broken, yet faithful.
Broken, yet grateful.
Broken, yet peaceful.

Our brokenness does not have to go away.
We do not have to fake it.
I am broken.

The truth is, when we don't get what we wanted and when we don't get what we thought was really good and we really thought it was from God-- well then, we are broken.

But is there a way to be faithful, grateful, and peaceful inside that brokenness?

Is there a way to look at "what we got instead" of what we wanted and be grateful with that? Be peaceful about that?

I believe there is a way.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Reteach a Thing its Loveliness


The bud
stands for all things,

even for those things that don't flower,

for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;

though sometimes it is necessary

to reteach a thing its loveliness,

to put a hand on its brow

of the flower

and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing;
as Saint Francis

put his hand on the creased forehead
of the sow, and told her in words and in touch

blessings of earth on the sow,
and the sow
began remembering all down her thick length,
from the earthen snout all the way
through the fodder and slops to the spiritual curl of the tail,

from the hard spininess spiked out from the spine

down through the great broken heart

to the sheer blue milken dreaminess spurting and shuddering
from the fourteen teats into the fourteen mouths sucking and blowing beneath them:

the long, perfect loveliness of sow.


--Galway Kinnell
"Saint Francis and the Sow"

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Lemonade


I've been attempting to "make lemonade" recently.

It's really quite strange how that cliche line has been playing through my head so frequently these days.

I found myself telling people, or telling myself, "Oh you know, just trying to make lemonade out of the lemons."

Foolish. Silly. Cliche. Lame.

That's what I think after I say that, whether audibly or inaudibly.

Nonetheless, it is true.
I am making lemonade.

Some days it is sweeter than others.
Some days its plain sour as heck.
Some days it has that perfect taste of sweetness with a touch of sour at the end that leaves no doubt that this lemonade was made from fresh, REAL lemons.

And is there a better kind of lemonade than the one made with fresh, real lemons?

I think not.

If there is one thing I have learned in my short existence on this earth, it's that we can always, always make lemonade out of lemons.

In fact, there is nothing else we can do with those lemons except make lemonade.

Well, there is the option of squeezing it on your salmon, brocoli, salad dressing, or a plethora of other delicious uses for lemons in cooking that simply makes your food 100 times more incredible.

Point is: lemons by themselves--not so good. Lemons mixed with other things--DELICIOUS.

Sometimes, you get really hard lemons.
They are incredibly difficult to squeeze.
It takes two hands.
It takes rolling it around on the counter for a while.
It takes a lot of work.

But does that dismiss the fact that lemonade is still possible?

I think not.

Sometimes--ok, many times-- I don't want to make lemonade.
Many times, I just want to suck on the lemon itself.
Screw lemonade.
Forget the sugar.
Give me the frickin lemon and watch me make faces.
I don't want sweet.
I'm mad and I just want a lemon!

Sometimes that's okay.

But after a couple of days, your mouth can only take so much and you just need to bite the bullet and make some frickin lemonade.

And you enjoy it.
And you savor it.
And it is splendid.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

"Seperation"

Your absence goes through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.

--W.S. Merwin,
"Separation"



As I read
these words pierced my heart
again and again
as I read and reread
again and again.

How humorous it is when we stumble upon the most apropos of words at certain moments that have never before been brought to our eyes.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Redemption?


This is what I'm meant for.

This is abundant life.

Going to sick, dark people, places, and situations and bringing life to where there seems to be little of it.

I have no power over a person's eternal state. Whether they go to heaven or hell.
That is only is God's hands and I am naive and prideful to think that I determine where they go.

Plus, who knows when that time will arise for them. Today or 50 years from now?

But, not only can I, but I am MEANT TO BE Jesus' hands and feet in the current hells that people are living in. Right now.
Today.
This moment that you are reading this.
Literal hells.

Take everything you've learned about hell and try to wrap your head around the fact that people are living in that right now--some physically, some mentally, some emotionally, some spiritually.
And for many of these people, they have all of those kinds of hells at once.
Right now. Not only when they die.


And Jesus said to be his hands and feet and be apart of bringing them redemption and salvation.

Salvation: being apart of saving people from their current hells and trusting their eternal states with the Powerful One because you've done all you can by sharing your time, resources, comfort, and love with them. (I think that this is all Jesus said to do, really. He didn't say you have the power and judgment to send people to heaven or hell eternally, right?)

Redemption: Find the darkness. Open your eyes and look for the horrible people, places, and situations. And figure out what would be light to that darkness. Figure out what would be just a piece of making that messed up stuff a little more whole. What could bring a little beauty to that rubbish? (that is why I posted that picture above: there is a tiny beautiful flower amongst the rubbish we were about to burn in Uganda. I couldn't pass up that image. I pasted it to my journal because it is the image of my own life: a tiny piece of something beautiful amidst ashes.)

Maybe this is a little more easier (and biblical): figure out what you would want someone to do for you if you were_________. (Fill in the blank with any of these: being forced to have sex with people; being beaten every day; enslaved to an addiction that you hated and wanted out of; had no opportunity to an education; forced to sell drugs for your mom since the age of 9 and now "that life" is all you know; forced & brainwashed to kill people at the age of 10; had no idea what a mother or a father was; were just released from prison for a terrible crime you regret but now no one will accept you back into society; had a deadly disease that ate away your organs so you couldn't help anyone or take care of your family; had no water whatsoever, etc.)

Figure out what you would want people to do for you in those situations. (this shouldn't be too hard, its not a trick.)
Take some time to research what the Body of Christ around the world and right around your town is already doing.
Ask the Lord what he wants you to sacrifice (not just financially) to be apart of the Kingdom of Salvation and Redemption.

Simple. (ha)
No rules.
No boxes to fit yourself into.
No boxes to fit Jesus in.
No right answers.

Just ask Him.

Take some valuable time. Be open.
Sacrifice.
BE about salvation and redemption.
Those 2 words that have lost meaning because we throw them around so much.
(so redefine them for yourself if you need to. I had to.)

You want abundant/full/intoxicating life?
What if we stopped trying to figure out what seems natural and comfortable and figure out what Jesus talked most about and did the most?
It seems that will fill you.
And intoxicate you.

Do whatever you need to do to figure it out.

Go through the Bible.

Look at Jesus' life from different perspectives.

Pray pray pray.

Ask the Lord to show us in ways we've never known before.

Research what's going on already.

Pray.


I simply can not think about the undeserved, unconditional love that my Daddy has poured out on me;
I can't think about the people he's used in my life to show me that;
I can't think about the fact that I continually spit in his face and turn from him and yet he POURS out grace on me and blesses me and gives me immense joy anyways;
I can't think about the redemption/transformation of the way I think, the way I love people, the way i do life, the way I struggle through deep, dark things---I can not think about all of that stuff and not feel a beautiful, deep, joyful compulsion to share those same things with people who HAVE NO IDEA they can experience this too!

I'll close with this:

politics or love
can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all

and it’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes

it’s learning to admit
when you’ve had a hand in setting them up
in knocking them down

love is not against the law
love is not against the law

are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

could you find a way
to love them both the same
to give them your name?

-good ol D. Webb


(this post was originally written 3 years ago but I stumbled upon it
and it stirred my heart again so I tweaked it and reposted it as encouragement
for myself. Writing things down is good for the soul to look back on.)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Stones of Remembrance


I am thankful for a heart that remembers.

I am thankful for the truths the Lord has etched upon my heart.

You do not know what you truly believe until you test it through the flame.

As I walk through another valley with my eyes melted closed, wobbling and shaking, how peaceful and merciful it is to reach out and feel the sensation of my hands upon a rock, grasping a staff, clutching pillars.

A sigh of relief ensues.

I hang for dear life.

Ah, I need not take on step further unless clasping these pillars!

The eyes of my emotions and flesh may feel sewed shut, full of darkness and unknown, but the hands of my spirit grasp onto the rocks of the foundation my faithful Father has laid all around me through 24 years.

I know not where I am stepping.
I know not why I ended up on this path, nor what happened to the well-lit, comforting one I was one. (How did it just disappear right out from under me and then I landed on this one?)
I know not where this path leads.

But as I wobble along,
with eyes locked shut,
I can trust.

For I have the rocks, the pillars to cling to.
The rocks and pillars of remembrance.

Just as the Jewish fathers and mothers before us set up as God commanded.
What a sweet, necessary command of the Lord.

Etched into my own stones are words like:
"Remember: He took you through the black hole in your soul 3 years ago."
"Remember: He took you through deep death and loss."
"Remember: He took you through a tremendously broken heart."
"Remember: He took you through a foreign country completely alone."
"Remember: He took you through lost and scattered dreams, plans, and hopes."
"Remember: He is faithful. Every time, He is faithful."
"Remember: He takes ashes and turns them into something beautiful. All. The. Time."

And though my eyes can not read the stones, my spirit feels the words of Remembrance down into my heart.

And I wobble along.

Holding tight to the pillars that continue all the way down the path. . . .





These two posts are Pillars of Remembrance that I can look at and hold fast to:
A Hope and A Good Future
A River of Blessing

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Regret Nothing

"But this I know: you will regret nothing when you look back, except lack of faith or fortitude or love.

You will never regret having thrown all to the winds in order to follow your Master and Lord.

Nothing will seem too much to have done or suffered, when, in the end, we see Him and the marks of His wounds;

nothing will ever seem enough.

Even the weariness of deferred hope will be forgotten, in the joy that is not of earth. . .

I shall not fear difficulties for you, for I know "it is the very work of grace to transform difficulties into opportunities."
But I shall ask that the greater the difficulty, the more abundant the supply of love may be."


--Amy Carmichael


Amen, Amen, again I say Amen!
I read this passage about a month ago and it dug straight into my heart, causing my soul to scream in inaudible, gut-wrenching words, "Hallelujah, yes, yes yes!"

"nothing will ever be enough."

I may suffer.
Things may not go as I think is best.
I may sacrifice, again, and again, and again.
My good, God-given desires may not come to fruition.
I may lose the people that I love more than anything in the world, by death. By distance. By sin.
I may suffer great physical pain.
I may live in complete discomfort.
I may live fearing for my physical life, daily.
I may feel as though I have a deep, dark hole in my soul and live in emotional pain.

And none of it will ever, ever be enough.
None of it will compare with what He has done for me.

When I read that passage, I just imagined myself kneeling before God himself, Christ himself, in all his glory and splendor and majesty.
Kneeling because my knees have given out.
Kneeling in awe.
And not glory, splendor, and majesty in a far off Queen-of-England-sort-of-way but the glory, splendor, and majesty that my soul will be encapsulated by simply by being in His presence.

The splendor that comes from feeling completely known and at home.
At home.
Having the hole inside me that has cried, since I was a little girl, "to go home," quenched.
Completely loved and adored.
Basking in splendor and majesty.

And then I imagine thinking to myself. . .laughing to myself, actually. . . ."Ha! That was nothing! That life I lived--nothing! I want to give more and more and more!"

So I will keep striving
for more.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

JuJu is going crAAzy!!

It's official--I've reached a new stage of life.

The stage where you start to go crazy about kitchen utensils, appliances, and gadgets.

The stage where you can't leave the kitchen area of Bed, Bath, and Beyond, even when the kids are complaining.

The stage where it is literally like Christmas day when you bring home your salad spinner and test it out.

The stage where Aiden cries out several times, during this Christmas-day-experience, "Juju is going crazy!!"

Because it is true--Juju IS going crazy. About a salad spinner with a built in grater and mandolin chopper. And an olive oil mister to top it off.

If you know me, you know how many salads I eat.
And not just any salad, but huge, colorful, time-consuming-to-make salads.
So this was a big day.

AND, the plans are to be getting fresh lettuce right off the farm most of the time now, so this salad spinner is NEEDED without a doubt.
So this was a big day.

When the kids started to say, while at Bed Bath and Beyond, "Ahh Juju is looking at EVERYthing. When are we going to leave???"
I had flashbacks to my childhood with my mother.

What has happened?


The fun gadgets. =)
In process.
The finished work of art.
oh and this is the other stuff Juju was going crazy about!
We made home made cleaners, shampoo, conditioner, face wash!
Next is home made stock, yoghurt, whey, soaking nuts!
Its just beginning!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

8 year old Innoncence



We were driving to dance the other day and, out of no where, Aiden decided to break the silence with:

"Why didn't Bush just ask were the weapons were?"


10 second pause.

for Juju to figure out what the heck he's talking about.

Ah yes, the Iraq war that I had just tried to teach the kids about earlier in the day.
The war that I really do not know many details about.
The war that I am not a very big supporter of and never have been.
Off-the-cuff lessons by Juju for 8 year olds are always the best. =)

Once I figured out that Aiden was thinking about the conversation we had had 4 hours earlier and was so innocently and rationally wondering, "If Bush wanted to get rid of the weapons of mass destruction that Saddam Hussein had, why didn't he just ask where they were?". . . .once I realized this, I said naturally answered, "They did ask, Aiden, but Hussein kept saying he didn't have any. . . .but Bush was convinced that he did have them, but he was hiding them. . . so we had to go look for them."

"Oh ok."

Done.

For now.

Then, the best part was a few minutes later. . .

We passed an apartment complex that is one of those new, rich-college student apartments. Its the one that has that big pool right off of 2818. . . Well there were tons of college kids out there in their bathing suits, standing around the pool. And there was a big tent.

Obviously some pool party that a radio station was putting on or something for a bunch of college kids to stand around and mingle in their bathing suits.

I commented out loud, "Wow, look at all those people! They must be having a party."

Aiden: "Yeah maybe, but no body is in the pool. They are all standing around it. . . maybe they are doing a baptism. "

Of course. Yes. Maybe that's exactly what they were doing, Young Innocent Little Child Whom I Love So Dearly!

I love that when he sees a bunch of people standing around a pool, his mind automatically goes to a baptism.

I love that when he thinks about countries fighting one another, he thinks such simple, rational thoughts.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Glimpse Into Motherhood





I've found myself in a very unique season of life right now-- a "pretend mom", "au-pair," "live-in nanny," what-have-you.

Words cannot describe how thankful I am for this season.

There is absolutely no way I could learn the things I'm learning right now any other way, except of course to have jumped right into mothering my own children with my own husband.

But what a blessing to get practice! What a blessing to get to learn from two amazing parents!
What a blessing to get to spend my days with an incredible wife & mother, interact with her continuously, and learn from what she has already established SO beautifully!

What I am most grateful for, and perhaps was a bit surprising to me, is that I am getting glimpses into my own weaknesses regarding "running a home and raising children."

I say glimpses because I know this is but a taste. I know that I am not doing the full deal right now. They are not MY children and I am not doing it alone. at. all.
AND I'm just jumping right into a season of their life, into a home that is already established and running a certain way.

So I say: glimpses.

Everyone who knows me knows I struggle with needing to have control.
Needing a plan.
Plan.
Plan.
Plan.
I am task-oriented.
I prefer things to go a certain way at a certain time in a certain manner.
I like organization.

Thankfully, I am "apprenticing" a woman who is extremely organized and is great at planning as well. I do not know how this season would be if she were not like that!

I have not fully processed this out, because I have only gotten a glimpse of it, but I am noticing that I have become much more compulsive about cleaning clutter, planning things in my head or on paper, cleaning of any sort actually, organizing, organizing, organizing, planning, planning and basically always doing something with my body, since I have been in this season.

Sometimes I will just look around my, non-messy room, and feel the compulsion to clean and organize it in a way that I've NEVER felt before.

Is it because three young children are pretty much the opposite of organization, things going a certain way at a certain time/ things going as planned? And perhaps this is my first time to be put in a situation where I am surrounded by toys, books, colors, clothes everywhere all. the. time. and dirtiness accumulating so much faster than with only adults. . .so perhaps my psyche is over-reacting and longing for what I've been used to for 23 years? And perhaps it just needs time to adjust? And perhaps this is exactly what every mom has to go through?

Is it because they are not my OWN children and it is not MY household so I don't have full authority over what they do, learn, how they behave. . .and how everything should be organized. . . and how the whole "plan" is supposed to go? But perhaps my mind/psyche/instinct feels like it needs that. But because I do not get it, it is over-compensating in other ways?

Is it because I've always been hyper-vigilant since a child and always felt like I needed to be an adult and be in-control and so now that I am put a little more fully into that "mother-esque" role, that thing inside me that i've had since childhood is coming out in full force? And when I actually do become a mother of my own children and home, it will come out 10 times more than it is now?

Who knows.

I do not think this is necessarily a bad thing.
But it can be bad, for sure.

So, I am grateful that I can begin to process through this right now.

Is this stemming from anything unhealthy inside of me?
How can I balance it with spontaneity, rest & relaxation, peace admist chaos, patience with achieving organization and cleanliness?
Can I begin to practice even now how to have fun, bond, rest and relax with children AND be productive and organized right now with the Norvell's, or is that something I won't really be able to practice till I have my own children?

In the end, I want my kids & husband to know that yes, instinctually I am a "Martha," but I want them to see often and truly know that I can be a "Mary" as well. And maybe one day, they will see my instincts change. Maybe.

So that is probably the biggest surprise glimpse I've gotten. And I have just begun to process it.

The not so surprising educational glimpses I am getting are, of course:
-different methods of disciplining and training children
-different learning styles
-how to relate to different children with different personalities
-that i will have a very hard time with that line above
-communication within marriage
-how much my temperament will affect my children and my husband
-how much there is to do as a "stay home" mom
-ways to teach my children about the Lord
-how the heck to answer, or don't answer, theological questions from 8 year olds

and that's just the beginning!


Sunday, January 30, 2011

Defaults.

(I just felt like continuing this theme of reminiscing on old posts. Here’s one more.)

This may be hard to communicate what I'm actually thinking, but I must try anyways.

Something that has kind of been on my mind/bothering me is:

As Christians, what are our defaults?

For instance:
Is our default to be rich/middle class and minister to that group of people OR be poor and minister to that group of people?

Take the birth control pill OR natural family planning OR condoms OR absolutely nothing?

Live in a nice, safe neighborhood OR not (aka. inner city, in a rural area, the ghetto, etc)?

Send kids to public school OR home school?

Vote republican OR not (aka. democratic, third party, not vote, etc)?

Stay in America because that is where you are and it makes sense OR go somewhere else?

Make money or just don't (just enough to live)?

Buy stuff from the grocery store or make my own food, clothing, etc?

Have al biological babies or adopt?

Go to college or don’t?

I am not saying what is the right choice in ANY of these. In fact, I think all of these options can be the right choice at any given time.

My question is about our default.

There are certain options we choose automatically as our "default.”
It’s our gut instinct. We automatically go there. Every single person as defaults. It is human nature.

After we go to our default, THEN we stop, question, pray, and say, should we be doing something different?

And I am just wondering if our default options look a whole lot more like our society's defaults rather than Jesus' teachings.

I wonder if we can make our defaults look more like a culture of Jesus followers, and THEN we stop, question, pray about if we should do something more like our society.

I’m not saying our society’s defaults are somehow always wrong. But I just wonder if we could flip our defaults and the way we function. Just a little flip. Nothing crazy.

Just some examples I’ve thought about.... which can all be debated about whether or not they should be defaults. But i guess it is how I see it, as of now....

Birth control:
Obviously, I've come to no affirmative conclusion on this given that I am nowhere near making that decision. My thought: Why does it seem to be default that Christian couples just take the pill? Why isn't the thought process more like, 'we're getting married, knowing that we are to fill the earth. That children are a gift from God. And we trust Him to give us that gift whenever--even if we think we're not ready. We trust Him more than our own plans. He knows us better than we know ourselves so let’s let him decide the timing....Okay maybe we have extreme circumstances, so we can't have babies right now and God has made that clear, but we're not going to take something that could possibly abort a baby and/or can mess up my body....Okay we have extreme circumstances, and we've really prayed about it. And we've done a lot of research and we think it works for us to take the pill...."

I'm not saying that 'taking the pill' means you’re not trusting God. Please don't hear me say that. But I just wonder why our default seems to be “just to take it.” Why isn't our default to trust God more and His ways in family, in children, and just in our own personal relationship with him? I guess I just don't think we should be so quick to do things that "everyone else" just does.


Home schooling:
Why is our default just to send our kids away to public school system that raises our kids instead of thinking about how we can train up our kids ourselves in a more full way? How do we think that parents will be able to influence their kids more than the world if the world gets to spend waaaaay more time with them than the parents?
Again, not saying home schooling is for everyone. But I wonder if our default should be for parents to raise and teach their children as much as possible and THEN if it’s just not gonna work for the parents to do that, through lots of praying and thinking, then of course whatever the Lord says goes.


Adopting:
Okay it’s just straight up a command from God to take care of the orphans. I don't know how much more "default"ish you can get from that. Sure, have you own children. But why not follow God's very direct command to take care of the orphans. Not saying everyone is suppose to adopt, but I am saying WAY more Christians should be doing so than they are now. Adopting should be a default, unless God makes it very clear that you shouldn't--through LOTS of prayer and community counsel.


How we consume:
I probably could go off on this one way too long. So I'll just say: we put very, VERY little thought into what we buy, where it came from, what soul made it, how they were treated, how much they were paid, what it took to get that item here, how that item will affect our lives, what that item portrays us as. I think the way Christians buy things and the food they eat should look way different than the rest of society. And that is far from true right now it seems. Maybe our default should be to just consume less unless we know where all our stuff is coming from. Crazy. I know.


Where we live:
What if our default was to practically live like Jesus did (with very little, with the poor, with the outcasts, with the sinners)?
Should my default be to live in a nice, safe neighborhood with people who are just like me? Or should our default be to live with the poor or with the outcasts? Like should we just automatically do that? AND THEN, through lots of prayer and community counsel, if God makes it clear to us to live somewhere else and minister to another group, THEN we go there.
I’m not saying we SHOULD just automatically do it like that. But I really, really contemplate it.
Why not???

I think I want that to be default for my kids. I don't want them to think their default is to live in a perfect, safe, surburbia ministering to upper-middle class white folks. That is totally wonderful if that's what God calls them to. Really, I promise. But I don't want that to be their default.


This does not come as a surprise to any of you that know me, so I don’t feel like I need to clarify too much. I’ll just end it now. =)

Just some thoughts.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Letter from a Birmingham Jail

(the least we can do to remember such an incredible man of God is read this. . . if even over a period of a few days)

16 April 1963

My Dear Fellow Clergymen:

While confined here in the Birmingham city jail, I came across your recent statement calling my present activities “unwise and untimely.” Seldom do I pause to answer criticism of my work and ideas. If I sought to answer all the criticisms that cross my desk, my secretaries would have little time for anything other than such correspondence in the course of the day, and I would have no time for constructive work. But since I feel that you are men of genuine good will and that your criticisms are sincerely set forth, I want to try to answer your statement in what I hope will be patient and reasonable terms.

I think I should indicate why I am here in Birmingham, since you have been influenced by the view which argues against “outsiders coming in.” I have the honor of serving as president of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, an organization operating in every southern state, with headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. We have some eighty five affiliated organizations across the South, and one of them is the Alabama Christian Movement for Human Rights. Frequently we share staff, educational and financial resources with our affiliates. Several months ago the affiliate here in Birmingham asked us to be on call to engage in a nonviolent direct action program if such were deemed necessary. We readily consented, and when the hour came we lived up to our promise. So I, along with several members of my staff, am here because I was invited here. I am here because I have organizational ties here.

But more basically, I am in Birmingham because injustice is here. Just as the prophets of the eighth century B.C. left their villages and carried their “thus saith the Lord” far beyond the boundaries of their home towns, and just as the Apostle Paul left his village of Tarsus and carried the gospel of Jesus Christ to the far corners of the Greco Roman world, so am I compelled to carry the gospel of freedom beyond my own home town. Like Paul, I must constantly respond to the Macedonian call for aid.

Moreover, I am cognizant of the interrelatedness of all communities and states. I cannot sit idly by in Atlanta and not be concerned about what happens in Birmingham. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. Never again can we afford to live with the narrow, provincial “outside agitator” idea. Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds.

You deplore the demonstrations taking place in Birmingham. But your statement, I am sorry to say, fails to express a similar concern for the conditions that brought about the demonstrations. I am sure that none of you would want to rest content with the superficial kind of social analysis that deals merely with effects and does not grapple with underlying causes. It is unfortunate that demonstrations are taking place in Birmingham, but it is even more unfortunate that the city’s white power structure left the Negro community with no alternative.

In any nonviolent campaign there are four basic steps: collection of the facts to determine whether injustices exist; negotiation; self purification; and direct action. We have gone through all these steps in Birmingham. There can be no gainsaying the fact that racial injustice engulfs this community. Birmingham is probably the most thoroughly segregated city in the United States. Its ugly record of brutality is widely known. Negroes have experienced grossly unjust treatment in the courts. There have been more unsolved bombings of Negro homes and churches in Birmingham than in any other city in the nation. These are the hard, brutal facts of the case. On the basis of these conditions, Negro leaders sought to negotiate with the city fathers. But the latter consistently refused to engage in good faith negotiation.

Then, last September, came the opportunity to talk with leaders of Birmingham’s economic community. In the course of the negotiations, certain promises were made by the merchants–for example, to remove the stores’ humiliating racial signs. On the basis of these promises, the Reverend Fred Shuttlesworth and the leaders of the Alabama Christian Movement for Human Rights agreed to a moratorium on all demonstrations. As the weeks and months went by, we realized that we were the victims of a broken promise. A few signs, briefly removed, returned; the others remained. As in so many past experiences, our hopes had been blasted, and the shadow of deep disappointment settled upon us. We had no alternative except to prepare for direct action, whereby we would present our very bodies as a means of laying our case before the conscience of the local and the national community. Mindful of the difficulties involved, we decided to undertake a process of self purification. We began a series of workshops on nonviolence, and we repeatedly asked ourselves: “Are you able to accept blows without retaliating?” “Are you able to endure the ordeal of jail?” We decided to schedule our direct action program for the Easter season, realizing that except for Christmas, this is the main shopping period of the year. Knowing that a strong economic-withdrawal program would be the by product of direct action, we felt that this would be the best time to bring pressure to bear on the merchants for the needed change.

Then it occurred to us that Birmingham’s mayoral election was coming up in March, and we speedily decided to postpone action until after election day. When we discovered that the Commissioner of Public Safety, Eugene “Bull” Connor, had piled up enough votes to be in the run off, we decided again to postpone action until the day after the run off so that the demonstrations could not be used to cloud the issues. Like many others, we waited to see Mr. Connor defeated, and to this end we endured postponement after postponement. Having aided in this community need, we felt that our direct action program could be delayed no longer.

You may well ask: “Why direct action? Why sit ins, marches and so forth? Isn’t negotiation a better path?” You are quite right in calling for negotiation. Indeed, this is the very purpose of direct action. Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and foster such a tension that a community which has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue. It seeks so to dramatize the issue that it can no longer be ignored. My citing the creation of tension as part of the work of the nonviolent resister may sound rather shocking. But I must confess that I am not afraid of the word “tension.” I have earnestly opposed violent tension, but there is a type of constructive, nonviolent tension which is necessary for growth. Just as Socrates felt that it was necessary to create a tension in the mind so that individuals could rise from the bondage of myths and half truths to the unfettered realm of creative analysis and objective appraisal, so must we see the need for nonviolent gadflies to create the kind of tension in society that will help men rise from the dark depths of prejudice and racism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood. The purpose of our direct action program is to create a situation so crisis packed that it will inevitably open the door to negotiation. I therefore concur with you in your call for negotiation. Too long has our beloved Southland been bogged down in a tragic effort to live in monologue rather than dialogue.

One of the basic points in your statement is that the action that I and my associates have taken in Birmingham is untimely. Some have asked: “Why didn’t you give the new city administration time to act?” The only answer that I can give to this query is that the new Birmingham administration must be prodded about as much as the outgoing one, before it will act. We are sadly mistaken if we feel that the election of Albert Boutwell as mayor will bring the millennium to Birmingham. While Mr. Boutwell is a much more gentle person than Mr. Connor, they are both segregationists, dedicated to maintenance of the status quo. I have hope that Mr. Boutwell will be reasonable enough to see the futility of massive resistance to desegregation. But he will not see this without pressure from devotees of civil rights. My friends, I must say to you that we have not made a single gain in civil rights without determined legal and nonviolent pressure. Lamentably, it is an historical fact that privileged groups seldom give up their privileges voluntarily. Individuals may see the moral light and voluntarily give up their unjust posture; but, as Reinhold Niebuhr has reminded us, groups tend to be more immoral than individuals.

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed. Frankly, I have yet to engage in a direct action campaign that was “well timed” in the view of those who have not suffered unduly from the disease of segregation. For years now I have heard the word “Wait!” It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity. This “Wait” has almost always meant “Never.” We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that “justice too long delayed is justice denied.”

We have waited for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we still creep at horse and buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging darts of segregation to say, “Wait.” But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six year old daughter why she can’t go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five year old son who is asking: “Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?”; when you take a cross county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading “white” and “colored”; when your first name becomes “nigger,” your middle name becomes “boy” (however old you are) and your last name becomes “John,” and your wife and mother are never given the respected title “Mrs.”; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of “nobodiness”–then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience. You express a great deal of anxiety over our willingness to break laws. This is certainly a legitimate concern. Since we so diligently urge people to obey the Supreme Court’s decision of 1954 outlawing segregation in the public schools, at first glance it may seem rather paradoxical for us consciously to break laws. One may well ask: “How can you advocate breaking some laws and obeying others?” The answer lies in the fact that there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that “an unjust law is no law at all.”

Now, what is the difference between the two? How does one determine whether a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man made code that squares with the moral law or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law. To put it in the terms of St. Thomas Aquinas: An unjust law is a human law that is not rooted in eternal law and natural law. Any law that uplifts human personality is just. Any law that degrades human personality is unjust. All segregation statutes are unjust because segregation distorts the soul and damages the personality. It gives the segregator a false sense of superiority and the segregated a false sense of inferiority. Segregation, to use the terminology of the Jewish philosopher Martin Buber, substitutes an “I it” relationship for an “I thou” relationship and ends up relegating persons to the status of things. Hence segregation is not only politically, economically and sociologically unsound, it is morally wrong and sinful. Paul Tillich has said that sin is separation. Is not segregation an existential expression of man’s tragic separation, his awful estrangement, his terrible sinfulness? Thus it is that I can urge men to obey the 1954 decision of the Supreme Court, for it is morally right; and I can urge them to disobey segregation ordinances, for they are morally wrong.

Let us consider a more concrete example of just and unjust laws. An unjust law is a code that a numerical or power majority group compels a minority group to obey but does not make binding on itself. This is difference made legal. By the same token, a just law is a code that a majority compels a minority to follow and that it is willing to follow itself. This is sameness made legal. Let me give another explanation. A law is unjust if it is inflicted on a minority that, as a result of being denied the right to vote, had no part in enacting or devising the law. Who can say that the legislature of Alabama which set up that state’s segregation laws was democratically elected? Throughout Alabama all sorts of devious methods are used to prevent Negroes from becoming registered voters, and there are some counties in which, even though Negroes constitute a majority of the population, not a single Negro is registered. Can any law enacted under such circumstances be considered democratically structured?

Sometimes a law is just on its face and unjust in its application. For instance, I have been arrested on a charge of parading without a permit. Now, there is nothing wrong in having an ordinance which requires a permit for a parade. But such an ordinance becomes unjust when it is used to maintain segregation and to deny citizens the First-Amendment privilege of peaceful assembly and protest.

I hope you are able to see the distinction I am trying to point out. In no sense do I advocate evading or defying the law, as would the rabid segregationist. That would lead to anarchy. One who breaks an unjust law must do so openly, lovingly, and with a willingness to accept the penalty. I submit that an individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for law.

Of course, there is nothing new about this kind of civil disobedience. It was evidenced sublimely in the refusal of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to obey the laws of Nebuchadnezzar, on the ground that a higher moral law was at stake. It was practiced superbly by the early Christians, who were willing to face hungry lions and the excruciating pain of chopping blocks rather than submit to certain unjust laws of the Roman Empire. To a degree, academic freedom is a reality today because Socrates practiced civil disobedience. In our own nation, the Boston Tea Party represented a massive act of civil disobedience.

We should never forget that everything Adolf Hitler did in Germany was “legal” and everything the Hungarian freedom fighters did in Hungary was “illegal.” It was “illegal” to aid and comfort a Jew in Hitler’s Germany. Even so, I am sure that, had I lived in Germany at the time, I would have aided and comforted my Jewish brothers. If today I lived in a Communist country where certain principles dear to the Christian faith are suppressed, I would openly advocate disobeying that country’s antireligious laws.

I must make two honest confessions to you, my Christian and Jewish brothers. First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Counciler or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”; who paternalistically believes he can set the timetable for another man’s freedom; who lives by a mythical concept of time and who constantly advises the Negro to wait for a “more convenient season.” Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.

I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that law and order exist for the purpose of establishing justice and that when they fail in this purpose they become the dangerously structured dams that block the flow of social progress. I had hoped that the white moderate would understand that the present tension in the South is a necessary phase of the transition from an obnoxious negative peace, in which the Negro passively accepted his unjust plight, to a substantive and positive peace, in which all men will respect the dignity and worth of human personality. Actually, we who engage in nonviolent direct action are not the creators of tension. We merely bring to the surface the hidden tension that is already alive. We bring it out in the open, where it can be seen and dealt with. Like a boil that can never be cured so long as it is covered up but must be opened with all its ugliness to the natural medicines of air and light, injustice must be exposed, with all the tension its exposure creates, to the light of human conscience and the air of national opinion before it can be cured.

In your statement you assert that our actions, even though peaceful, must be condemned because they precipitate violence. But is this a logical assertion? Isn’t this like condemning a robbed man because his possession of money precipitated the evil act of robbery? Isn’t this like condemning Socrates because his unswerving commitment to truth and his philosophical inquiries precipitated the act by the misguided populace in which they made him drink hemlock? Isn’t this like condemning Jesus because his unique God consciousness and never ceasing devotion to God’s will precipitated the evil act of crucifixion? We must come to see that, as the federal courts have consistently affirmed, it is wrong to urge an individual to cease his efforts to gain his basic constitutional rights because the quest may precipitate violence. Society must protect the robbed and punish the robber. I had also hoped that the white moderate would reject the myth concerning time in relation to the struggle for freedom. I have just received a letter from a white brother in Texas. He writes: “All Christians know that the colored people will receive equal rights eventually, but it is possible that you are in too great a religious hurry. It has taken Christianity almost two thousand years to accomplish what it has. The teachings of Christ take time to come to earth.” Such an attitude stems from a tragic misconception of time, from the strangely irrational notion that there is something in the very flow of time that will inevitably cure all ills. Actually, time itself is neutral; it can be used either destructively or constructively. More and more I feel that the people of ill will have used time much more effectively than have the people of good will. We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people. Human progress never rolls in on wheels of inevitability; it comes through the tireless efforts of men willing to be co workers with God, and without this hard work, time itself becomes an ally of the forces of social stagnation. We must use time creatively, in the knowledge that the time is always ripe to do right. Now is the time to make real the promise of democracy and transform our pending national elegy into a creative psalm of brotherhood. Now is the time to lift our national policy from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of human dignity.

You speak of our activity in Birmingham as extreme. At first I was rather disappointed that fellow clergymen would see my nonviolent efforts as those of an extremist. I began thinking about the fact that I stand in the middle of two opposing forces in the Negro community. One is a force of complacency, made up in part of Negroes who, as a result of long years of oppression, are so drained of self respect and a sense of “somebodiness” that they have adjusted to segregation; and in part of a few middle-class Negroes who, because of a degree of academic and economic security and because in some ways they profit by segregation, have become insensitive to the problems of the masses. The other force is one of bitterness and hatred, and it comes perilously close to advocating violence. It is expressed in the various black nationalist groups that are springing up across the nation, the largest and best known being Elijah Muhammad’s Muslim movement. Nourished by the Negro’s frustration over the continued existence of racial discrimination, this movement is made up of people who have lost faith in America, who have absolutely repudiated Christianity, and who have concluded that the white man is an incorrigible “devil.”

I have tried to stand between these two forces, saying that we need emulate neither the “do nothingism” of the complacent nor the hatred and despair of the black nationalist. For there is the more excellent way of love and nonviolent protest. I am grateful to God that, through the influence of the Negro church, the way of nonviolence became an integral part of our struggle. If this philosophy had not emerged, by now many streets of the South would, I am convinced, be flowing with blood. And I am further convinced that if our white brothers dismiss as “rabble rousers” and “outside agitators” those of us who employ nonviolent direct action, and if they refuse to support our nonviolent efforts, millions of Negroes will, out of frustration and despair, seek solace and security in black nationalist ideologies–a development that would inevitably lead to a frightening racial nightmare.

Oppressed people cannot remain oppressed forever. The yearning for freedom eventually manifests itself, and that is what has happened to the American Negro. Something within has reminded him of his birthright of freedom, and something without has reminded him that it can be gained. Consciously or unconsciously, he has been caught up by the Zeitgeist, and with his black brothers of Africa and his brown and yellow brothers of Asia, South America and the Caribbean, the United States Negro is moving with a sense of great urgency toward the promised land of racial justice. If one recognizes this vital urge that has engulfed the Negro community, one should readily understand why public demonstrations are taking place. The Negro has many pent up resentments and latent frustrations, and he must release them. So let him march; let him make prayer pilgrimages to the city hall; let him go on freedom rides -and try to understand why he must do so. If his repressed emotions are not released in nonviolent ways, they will seek expression through violence; this is not a threat but a fact of history. So I have not said to my people: “Get rid of your discontent.” Rather, I have tried to say that this normal and healthy discontent can be channeled into the creative outlet of nonviolent direct action. And now this approach is being termed extremist. But though I was initially disappointed at being categorized as an extremist, as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label. Was not Jesus an extremist for love: “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.” Was not Amos an extremist for justice: “Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever flowing stream.” Was not Paul an extremist for the Christian gospel: “I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus.” Was not Martin Luther an extremist: “Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me God.” And John Bunyan: “I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience.” And Abraham Lincoln: “This nation cannot survive half slave and half free.” And Thomas Jefferson: “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal . . .” So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we will be. Will we be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremists for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary’s hill three men were crucified. We must never forget that all three were crucified for the same crime–the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. The other, Jesus Christ, was an extremist for love, truth and goodness, and thereby rose above his environment. Perhaps the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists.

I had hoped that the white moderate would see this need. Perhaps I was too optimistic; perhaps I expected too much. I suppose I should have realized that few members of the oppressor race can understand the deep groans and passionate yearnings of the oppressed race, and still fewer have the vision to see that injustice must be rooted out by strong, persistent and determined action. I am thankful, however, that some of our white brothers in the South have grasped the meaning of this social revolution and committed themselves to it. They are still all too few in quantity, but they are big in quality. Some -such as Ralph McGill, Lillian Smith, Harry Golden, James McBride Dabbs, Ann Braden and Sarah Patton Boyle–have written about our struggle in eloquent and prophetic terms. Others have marched with us down nameless streets of the South. They have languished in filthy, roach infested jails, suffering the abuse and brutality of policemen who view them as “dirty nigger-lovers.” Unlike so many of their moderate brothers and sisters, they have recognized the urgency of the moment and sensed the need for powerful “action” antidotes to combat the disease of segregation. Let me take note of my other major disappointment. I have been so greatly disappointed with the white church and its leadership. Of course, there are some notable exceptions. I am not unmindful of the fact that each of you has taken some significant stands on this issue. I commend you, Reverend Stallings, for your Christian stand on this past Sunday, in welcoming Negroes to your worship service on a nonsegregated basis. I commend the Catholic leaders of this state for integrating Spring Hill College several years ago.

But despite these notable exceptions, I must honestly reiterate that I have been disappointed with the church. I do not say this as one of those negative critics who can always find something wrong with the church. I say this as a minister of the gospel, who loves the church; who was nurtured in its bosom; who has been sustained by its spiritual blessings and who will remain true to it as long as the cord of life shall lengthen.

When I was suddenly catapulted into the leadership of the bus protest in Montgomery, Alabama, a few years ago, I felt we would be supported by the white church. I felt that the white ministers, priests and rabbis of the South would be among our strongest allies. Instead, some have been outright opponents, refusing to understand the freedom movement and misrepresenting its leaders; all too many others have been more cautious than courageous and have remained silent behind the anesthetizing security of stained glass windows.

In spite of my shattered dreams, I came to Birmingham with the hope that the white religious leadership of this community would see the justice of our cause and, with deep moral concern, would serve as the channel through which our just grievances could reach the power structure. I had hoped that each of you would understand. But again I have been disappointed.

I have heard numerous southern religious leaders admonish their worshipers to comply with a desegregation decision because it is the law, but I have longed to hear white ministers declare: “Follow this decree because integration is morally right and because the Negro is your brother.” In the midst of blatant injustices inflicted upon the Negro, I have watched white churchmen stand on the sideline and mouth pious irrelevancies and sanctimonious trivialities. In the midst of a mighty struggle to rid our nation of racial and economic injustice, I have heard many ministers say: “Those are social issues, with which the gospel has no real concern.” And I have watched many churches commit themselves to a completely other worldly religion which makes a strange, un-Biblical distinction between body and soul, between the sacred and the secular.

I have traveled the length and breadth of Alabama, Mississippi and all the other southern states. On sweltering summer days and crisp autumn mornings I have looked at the South’s beautiful churches with their lofty spires pointing heavenward. I have beheld the impressive outlines of her massive religious education buildings. Over and over I have found myself asking: “What kind of people worship here? Who is their God? Where were their voices when the lips of Governor Barnett dripped with words of interposition and nullification? Where were they when Governor Wallace gave a clarion call for defiance and hatred? Where were their voices of support when bruised and weary Negro men and women decided to rise from the dark dungeons of complacency to the bright hills of creative protest?”

Yes, these questions are still in my mind. In deep disappointment I have wept over the laxity of the church. But be assured that my tears have been tears of love. There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love. Yes, I love the church. How could I do otherwise? I am in the rather unique position of being the son, the grandson and the great grandson of preachers. Yes, I see the church as the body of Christ. But, oh! How we have blemished and scarred that body through social neglect and through fear of being nonconformists.

There was a time when the church was very powerful–in the time when the early Christians rejoiced at being deemed worthy to suffer for what they believed. In those days the church was not merely a thermometer that recorded the ideas and principles of popular opinion; it was a thermostat that transformed the mores of society. Whenever the early Christians entered a town, the people in power became disturbed and immediately sought to convict the Christians for being “disturbers of the peace” and “outside agitators.”‘ But the Christians pressed on, in the conviction that they were “a colony of heaven,” called to obey God rather than man. Small in number, they were big in commitment. They were too God-intoxicated to be “astronomically intimidated.” By their effort and example they brought an end to such ancient evils as infanticide and gladiatorial contests. Things are different now. So often the contemporary church is a weak, ineffectual voice with an uncertain sound. So often it is an archdefender of the status quo. Far from being disturbed by the presence of the church, the power structure of the average community is consoled by the church’s silent–and often even vocal–sanction of things as they are.

But the judgment of God is upon the church as never before. If today’s church does not recapture the sacrificial spirit of the early church, it will lose its authenticity, forfeit the loyalty of millions, and be dismissed as an irrelevant social club with no meaning for the twentieth century. Every day I meet young people whose disappointment with the church has turned into outright disgust.

Perhaps I have once again been too optimistic. Is organized religion too inextricably bound to the status quo to save our nation and the world? Perhaps I must turn my faith to the inner spiritual church, the church within the church, as the true ekklesia and the hope of the world. But again I am thankful to God that some noble souls from the ranks of organized religion have broken loose from the paralyzing chains of conformity and joined us as active partners in the struggle for freedom. They have left their secure congregations and walked the streets of Albany, Georgia, with us. They have gone down the highways of the South on tortuous rides for freedom. Yes, they have gone to jail with us. Some have been dismissed from their churches, have lost the support of their bishops and fellow ministers. But they have acted in the faith that right defeated is stronger than evil triumphant. Their witness has been the spiritual salt that has preserved the true meaning of the gospel in these troubled times. They have carved a tunnel of hope through the dark mountain of disappointment. I hope the church as a whole will meet the challenge of this decisive hour. But even if the church does not come to the aid of justice, I have no despair about the future. I have no fear about the outcome of our struggle in Birmingham, even if our motives are at present misunderstood. We will reach the goal of freedom in Birmingham and all over the nation, because the goal of America is freedom. Abused and scorned though we may be, our destiny is tied up with America’s destiny. Before the pilgrims landed at Plymouth, we were here. Before the pen of Jefferson etched the majestic words of the Declaration of Independence across the pages of history, we were here. For more than two centuries our forebears labored in this country without wages; they made cotton king; they built the homes of their masters while suffering gross injustice and shameful humiliation -and yet out of a bottomless vitality they continued to thrive and develop. If the inexpressible cruelties of slavery could not stop us, the opposition we now face will surely fail. We will win our freedom because the sacred heritage of our nation and the eternal will of God are embodied in our echoing demands. Before closing I feel impelled to mention one other point in your statement that has troubled me profoundly. You warmly commended the Birmingham police force for keeping “order” and “preventing violence.” I doubt that you would have so warmly commended the police force if you had seen its dogs sinking their teeth into unarmed, nonviolent Negroes. I doubt that you would so quickly commend the policemen if you were to observe their ugly and inhumane treatment of Negroes here in the city jail; if you were to watch them push and curse old Negro women and young Negro girls; if you were to see them slap and kick old Negro men and young boys; if you were to observe them, as they did on two occasions, refuse to give us food because we wanted to sing our grace together. I cannot join you in your praise of the Birmingham police department.

It is true that the police have exercised a degree of discipline in handling the demonstrators. In this sense they have conducted themselves rather “nonviolently” in public. But for what purpose? To preserve the evil system of segregation. Over the past few years I have consistently preached that nonviolence demands that the means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek. I have tried to make clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends. But now I must affirm that it is just as wrong, or perhaps even more so, to use moral means to preserve immoral ends. Perhaps Mr. Connor and his policemen have been rather nonviolent in public, as was Chief Pritchett in Albany, Georgia, but they have used the moral means of nonviolence to maintain the immoral end of racial injustice. As T. S. Eliot has said: “The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.”

I wish you had commended the Negro sit inners and demonstrators of Birmingham for their sublime courage, their willingness to suffer and their amazing discipline in the midst of great provocation. One day the South will recognize its real heroes. They will be the James Merediths, with the noble sense of purpose that enables them to face jeering and hostile mobs, and with the agonizing loneliness that characterizes the life of the pioneer. They will be old, oppressed, battered Negro women, symbolized in a seventy two year old woman in Montgomery, Alabama, who rose up with a sense of dignity and with her people decided not to ride segregated buses, and who responded with ungrammatical profundity to one who inquired about her weariness: “My feets is tired, but my soul is at rest.” They will be the young high school and college students, the young ministers of the gospel and a host of their elders, courageously and nonviolently sitting in at lunch counters and willingly going to jail for conscience’ sake. One day the South will know that when these disinherited children of God sat down at lunch counters, they were in reality standing up for what is best in the American dream and for the most sacred values in our Judaeo Christian heritage, thereby bringing our nation back to those great wells of democracy which were dug deep by the founding fathers in their formulation of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence.

Never before have I written so long a letter. I’m afraid it is much too long to take your precious time. I can assure you that it would have been much shorter if I had been writing from a comfortable desk, but what else can one do when he is alone in a narrow jail cell, other than write long letters, think long thoughts and pray long prayers?

If I have said anything in this letter that overstates the truth and indicates an unreasonable impatience, I beg you to forgive me. If I have said anything that understates the truth and indicates my having a patience that allows me to settle for anything less than brotherhood, I beg God to forgive me.

I hope this letter finds you strong in the faith. I also hope that circumstances will soon make it possible for me to meet each of you, not as an integrationist or a civil-rights leader but as a fellow clergyman and a Christian brother. Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away and the deep fog of misunderstanding will be lifted from our fear drenched communities, and in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.

Yours for the cause of Peace and Brotherhood,

Martin Luther King, Jr.