Lachrymation

(this is a post from a long time ago but I still find it fascinating)

This might possibly be my most random post. ever.

I have been contemplating the phenomenon of crying. (lachrymation)
So strange isn't it?

So strange how our physical body and our emotions are so connected without our mind even being aware of it sometimes?

We can be sitting there, doing or saying something that we think is completely safe, and boom, the tears come. Something was happening in our emotions that our mind was not aware of, but our tear ducts certainly were.

(and keep in mind, our "emotions" are part of our "minds." It’s all so weird.)

And then, even when we put all of our mental and physical power into holding back the tears, sometimes the emotions are so powerful, there is nothing we can do. They just flow. It’s actually a chemical reaction. Man, how I'd like to see those chemicals in action. I want to see the trigger, then another trigger, then the build up, then the mix, then the reaction. And all the while, my mind is doing everything it can to try to stop it....but its too late, the chemicals have been released.
Those emotions are sneaky.

And then, the tear ducts connect to your nose (how does this happen?? or actually, why does it happen??? why the nose??), and it starts flowing.

And then your voice--you know the tremble. Why??

And then, if the emotions are feeling extra confident that day, you feel it in your whole body. A little crunch in the back.


The face contorts. (why so oddly?? why?)

You become weaker.

Your whole body is involved in the process, its harder to breath.


Actually, the loss of breath can happen at any part in the process.


Maybe from shock at what your body is doing? Maybe from overflow of emotions?


Maybe from your nose being stopped up?

Maybe from the fact that your body is focused on the whole crying process that it forgets to do the other functions?

And check this out: "Tears produced during emotional crying have a chemical composition which differs from other types of tears: they contain significantly greater quantities of hormones."

This is interesting because I've heard a proposed theory for why we "feel better" after crying is because of the elimination of hormones associated with stress.

"Crying is a mechanism developed in humans to dispose of this stress hormone when levels grow too high."

We truly are releasing things that NEED to be released!

Isn't is strange, overwhelming, sometimes beautiful, and sometimes really hard, to be in that moment when someone is talking to you, completely normal, and then boom, it hits.
Sometimes we are warned and we can see it building up....but sometimes....sometimes it just comes out and no one, not even the crier herself, is prepared!

And then the tears change everything. Changes the whole conversation. And you know it changes the weight of the words. The minute the tears come--everyone starts listening closer.
How does it have that effect??

And then, for people like me, if you’re listening to someone speak (like an official Speaker I am not conversing with) and they start crying--boom, it triggers something in me and you know the tears are coming for me too. why??? Why do tears have that effect on us?

But then other times, if I'm in conversation with someone, and they start crying, there's no way I'm going to cry--even if I tried. It is like my mind is just too focused on trying to figure out why they are crying, how I can make it better, and how I can be the rock for them at that moment.

Oh lachrymation...you perplex me, yet you are beautiful.
You are your own beast.
You have your own mind.
You mark many moments in our lives.
You communicate great things in our lives.
You bring about immense healing.
You release the negative toxins that need to be released.
You bring light into the darkness.
What an interesting part of the human experience.

YOU ARE NAMED

(this was one of my first real posts ever. I was re-reading it and felt like it was worth reposting just for fun)

-"You memorized the names of the all the stars—how many are there?”

-“What difference does that make? I know their names. I don’t know how many there are. It’s their names that matter.”

“A Namer has to know who people are, and who they are meant to be.”

--A Wind in the Door, by Madeleine L'Engle

One of the truths that I have learned through Madeleine L'Engle is that we, as image bearers of God, have the capacity to Name people; to convey to them who they are, who they are meant to be; to call out the true creation inside of them. To tell them for the first time, or to remind them, that they have been named; that they are known (truly, deeply and intimately); that they are worthy of love, and that they are loved.

And that is precisely how we name them: we love them.

And we all know that we love in many ways.


Sometimes naming them (aka. showing them who they really are) means we use audible words, sometimes we even have to scream it at them;


many times it means forgetting the wrong that they've done and pouring out grace to them, no matter how much it hurts and goes against what we feel is just;


sometimes it means searching inside them to find the good, the lovable (and this can be very hard sometimes) and only thinking about THAT when you think about that person. And only talking about that when we Name that person to others, a.k.a. talk about that person.


sometimes (most times) it means fighting for their identity in intense warfare called prayer.


Most times you can do it in subtle ways-- with the tone of voice you use to talk to that person,


by consistently encouraging their uniqueness indirectly (even when that uniqueness is not you're favorite)


There are many more ways that will come to mind if you stop and think about it.

Our society is in the middle of a tragic identity crises (yes, you could argue that it always has been).


There are "forces" out there that are telling people that they are nothing;

that it doesn't matter what they do or think or feel--just do whatever feels good.

We see some of this is disorders like schizophrenia and depression and bi-poler disorder and many others.

You also see it in the way people TALK about being honest, being fair, loving, etc, YET they dont PRACTICE it themselves--in the corporate world, the political world, the day to day world, in their relationships.


We have different realities of work Bob, bar Bob, internet Bob, family Bob.


And this, I think everyone can relate to-->


We have the person that everyone knows


and then


the "real" self with all her hidden sins, sad thoughts, confusion, and all the other darkness that we hold inside.


So we have to pretend.


Pretend that everything is ok.

Pretend that you are great; that you're not sad, that you didn't do anything wrong, that everything makes sense to you, that you have everything together, that you're not broken.

Pretending implies two realities.

And we get tired of pretending, don't we?

So we choose which one is real to us.

Pretend world vs. Real world.


Real World: Knowing who you are with all the crap that comes along with you

(because you're broken, lets face it, everyone is broken.

Everyone has something dark and ugly.

EV.ERY.ONE.

promise.)


Pretend World: you think that everything is okay;

you think that actually working through the hard stuff inside you is pointless and stupid and painful, so why not just seek ease and pleasure;

you think that you are not connected to anyone else;

you think that you are not connected to the whole world, the whole universe;

you think that you're thoughts and actions do not affect anyone else.

You think that it just doesn't matter.

(this is where, we, as Namers come in. We tell each other and show each other how we really do matter. We remind each other that we were KNOWN before we were conceived. We are KNOWN right now. That we are CONNECTED. That every little thing we do matters. We, as Namers, tell each other what is a lie/what is not real. And we tell each other the real things about our life, about who we are. We tell each other the Truth.)

We can believe "nothing really matters so therefore, I am the only one that matters in this moment."

Or, we can accept what is real.

Take the crap , forfeit the pleasure, but know that the crap is REAL and it can be worked through, because IT IS REAL.


Nothing in pretend world can be worked through. And we know that. . .

No growth = no beauty.

No brokenness= no beauty.

Expose the dark = the light shines through = we see the beauty.

"Reality in its essence is unified; is one.

God is one.

God's work is to unite things that were created to be ONE, but have fallen apart."


-rob bell


Do you live in two realities?

Living in the internal truth AND the external person who's trying to be what you think everyone expects of you.


We sometimes live in that external "reality" to protect us from what is really true.

"The work of the cross is to unite those realities,

so that you don't have to say 'I'm tired of pretending.'"

Because you don't have to pretend.

You can be united, whole, complete.

And that is His beautiful work--He invites people to become one.

To unite you're two realities.

You are known.


"You are created matter. You are part of the great plan, an indispensable part. You are needed; you have your own unique share in the freedom of creation.”


You are fully and completely known by your creator.

And you're creator wants to make you known to everyone you know. Truly known. With all the crap.

If he knows every name of every single batrillionjillon star in our galaxy, don't you think he knows you're name and what that name represents--who. you. truly. are.


When I let that sink in, it is pretty intense.

Let's let him unite our realities.
Let's let him make us one.

Inside and out.

Brokenness to beauty.
Let's let ourselves be known to the universe (aka. other people)


Let's Name each other for who we really are.

Guiltless Shopping!

I sincerely meant to post this before Christmas, as suggestions for Christmas shopping.

I managed to do almost all of my Christmas shopping in a way that I legitimately feel proud of. I may have spent more than if I purchased more easily attainable gifts at Target, World Market, and the Mall, but every single penny was worth it. I planned ahead, shopped on fair-trade online stores, and have been receiving packages every day in the mail!

So fun!

I'm sorry I did not share the wealth with all of you, but this is for the future! Not just for Christmas a whole year from now, but ANY other shopping you need to do throughout the year. You could do all your gift shopping here! And you could do much of your shopping for yourself here!

Wonderful site with a WIDE variety:

http://www.globalexchangestore.org/

Another wonderful site with a WIDE variety:
http://tradeasone.com/

Friends who live in Haiti work with these women:
http://www.haitiancreations.com/

https://www.globalgirlfriend.com/

http://www.uncommongoods.com/

(I do not know if everything on this site is necessarily "fair trade" but most of it is hand made by creative folks in the U.S. and much of it is crafted with recyled products. It is such a fun site for random items!)

This store is wonderful and there are many shops you can actually go into like in Austin, Houston, Dallas
http://www.tenthousandvillages.com/

Great Coffee! You can get set up on a monthly plan to get all your coffee here, or just buy one at a time!

http://www.groundsforchange.com/

Perfect, cute, fun, sandals! And I can tell you all about my friend who works for them in Uganda!
http://www.ssekodesigns.com/

Those above are all sites that I have purchased from myself so they definitely have my stamp of approval. The below sites just came up when I googled "fair trade shopping." They look wonderful and will look into them in the future.

It's that simple!!!

http://www.thehungersite.com/

http://www.shopthecause.org/

http://www.globalgoodspartners.org/

Ev. ery. thing.

I have had many conversations recently about this crazy drive, or urgency, inside of me to “give up everything” and follow Jesus.

Yes, I have been following Jesus for a while now.

But there has been this sense in me from the first day I ever got a glimpse of Jesus that I would one day, really give up everything to follow Him, not just 99%.

Of course that begs the question that everyone asks "What is everything?"

And the answer is different for everyone.

I'll try to give a brief, though not extensive, recap of what I'm referring to for myself. For me it means not being very comfortable. Not living in a "very nice" home. Might not be very "safe." Might not be look very cute and put-together.

Not spending so much time with the people that are just like me, are easy to be around, make me feel really good, and already know the Beautiful Life-giver.

Giving up my dreams and desires.

For me it means going to the "least of these."

It means surrounding myself by the ones that society labels as "not worthy." The ones that are rude. Awkward. Mean. Cracked-out. Stupid. Ignorant. Labeled as dirty, slut, whore, greedy, fat, too-late, annoying, etc.

There are lots of ways the Lord can surround me by these people. I have no specific way in mind that this needs to happen. Just ideas for that I'm trying to live out for today.

But my point of this post is to share an answer a question. . .

The reason why I want to "give up" more and more

is not to get more love from Jesus, but to love the way Jesus loved.

To be more like Jesus.

To follow in his foot steps.

To love in the best way I’ve seen done.

Giving up my self, my desires, my possessions, my time, my everything in order to love others.

Just like Jesus did.

Jesus left the perfect, richest, most comfortable home in existence.

To come to mean, rude, poor, ignorant, greedy, arrogant, selfish human beings.

He left a place where he was completely known, at home, and comfortable to come to the low-income, poor earth where people treated him like crap and he felt very unknown and uncomfortable.

He gave up EVERYTHING

to come and show us love

to shine light into the dark, sad, painful parts of our lives

to meet us in our ignorance and selfishness

to sit and be with us

to hold us

to counsel us

to teach us

to love us

So is it so weird for me to want to do the same thing as the Love of my Life and my Reason for Living?

I just want to follow in his footsteps.

He gave us such a perfect example. Why do we look elsewhere and try to come up with different ideas?

And the second part of my answer to a question. . . .

The bottom line is—I think if I was living in a not-so-great, low-income-area apartment or abandoned house, sharing a room with a friend (or poor country), I would

a) be saving money to give away

b) not living in SO much comfort and therefore not be SO different from the people I’m "ministering" to.

We would be more alike because we would have a more similar lifestyle.

We would share discomforts.

I wouldn’t be so stinkin separated from them as I already am in my color, education, friends, family, and up-bringing.

Living a lifestyle where I give up my material possessions doesn’t make me holier or make God love me more.

All it does is allow me to be better yoked to the “least of these.”

To understand them more.

To break down walls.

To have shared experiences.

To be all things to all people.

To BE more with them and like them.

Just like Jesus did for us when he left heaven and came to this not-so-great, low-income earth.

The house-mom and kids I lived with in Uganda could not have proved this idea more to me.

They drove it home in my heart and no one can convince me otherwise.

They were simply in awe that I "gave up everything" to come and live with them.

They know what I could have been having and doing in America.

As I was washing my clothes and dishes by hand, just like they do, she would stand next to me and stare.

She would say, "The Lord will bless you greatly. You are just like him. You gave up everything--your family, your friends, your washing machines, to come here and live like us. You have shown us great love by this."

Just by being there with them.

And living life like them.

Love.

I couldn't speak their language. They already knew Jesus so its not like I was preaching "the gospel" at them. I wasn't giving them material things.

I just gave up what I had

to live like them and with them.

I must now direct your attention to a woman that expresses some things much better than I.

I could write a whole post about this woman and her blog.

Basically, her family of 6 just moved to Haiti about 6 weeks ago. They were the last people you would expect to do something like this. Really. It was really, really hard for her. And it still is.

Here's some things she wrote on her blog that points to yet another reason I feel so strongly about "giving up everything". . . .

“I am well aware that I'm used to living in absolute luxury. In my old life, if I needed something done, I did it or Aaron did it. He can fix anything. He knows how to do everything. If there's a leak under a sink it will be fixed promptly. If I saw a bug, I had our exterminator's number in my cell phone. We were operating in a world that made sense to us. We could drive. We could buy things. We knew our way around and spoke the same language as everyone else around us.

It was very easy to fool myself in America. America made it easy to hide my shortcomings and sin. When you land on this island it is as if Haiti strips your clothes off. Leaves you standing there naked...all your flaws, cellulite and skin exposed. Every pimple. Every large pore. Every mole. Every weird, why-is-that-there hair...visible. You can't ignore any of it or pretend it's not there.

In some ways I hate it. I hate feeling this eat up with sin. I hate seeing myself for who I really am.

And yet...

I know it's good. I know it's needed. I'm sure one day (not today, but one day) I will look back and thank Haiti and the God who brought us here for giving me the opportunity to see the person behind the layers and layers of falsity...the pounds and pounds of Tammy Faye Baker style makeup I found myself wearing as an American resident.”

I don't want to hide.

I want to do whatever I have to do or go wherever I have to go for the Lord to strip me of my crap.

I want him to dig in.

I don't want to half-ass the stripping down process. I don't want to do it slowly.

I do not want to 'languish behind the prison of the picked fence.

Or wallow in the dead-end of the col-de-sac.'

A little more from Mrs. Hendrick. . .

"All that to say...I don't want to be American in the way I think about following Jesus. I want our family to live for God's Kingdom...to seek it first. I want to wake up every morning aware that this earth is not going to last forever. I want us to imitate Jesus in the way He loved and lived. I don't want to run from suffering and danger. If we have to suffer and we have to live in danger to share the gospel, to feed the poor, to love the orphan and give a voice to the voiceless and the oppressed...then bring it I guess. I say that sheepishly, but I truly want to be able to say it boldly.”

And she says the following after talking about how terrifying it is to not have seat belts in Haiti with her 4 young boys. How hard it is for her to be okay with her boys riding in the back of a pick up truck in such a dangerous country with little to no medical structure.. . .

“See what I mean? In the US driving in a car rarely made me think of Jesus and faith and how much I really believe God is who He says He is. Every moment in Haiti is an adventure that causes a crisis of faith at every turn. Sometimes it's exciting to see what I really believe. My actions always prove what's in my heart. Sometimes seeing what you really believe, instead of just hearing yourself say what you believe is hard and difficult and sad.”

I want to know what's inside of me, Lord.

I want to live in reality--not in what I want to be true.

I don't want there to be doubts and questions.

I just want You to have all of me. No questions about it.

And only because-- You gave me all of you.

And for no other reason.

Jehovah-Jireh

THANK YOU!!!!--From Mama Jane

There simply can not be doubt in my eyes ever again. (If I ever express doubt about the Lord providing, please call it out, because it is absurd)

Ask and you shall receive.

Every. Single. Time.

Thank you to all of you that responded to my request to help Mama Jane and her family.

I received MORE THAN ENOUGH TO COVER ALL OF THEIR EDUCATION!

One family from my church community decided to sponsor Joy through out the rest of her education! All 4 semesters of high school, and probably more! Isn't that incredible?

Raymond got all he needed to finish college.

And then I had $228 extra to send to Alma house to cover their monthly needs!

AND I had even more people wanting to give, but I told them just to wait till next time.

HOLY COW, God is The Provider!

Uncle Francis sent me an email saying, "I told Mama Jane today and she was overwhelmed with joy, she started with smiling so big to laughing to crying and giving thanks to the Lord to you and Adrienne & me. Juliette please let everyone know that Mama Jane is so grateful."

Again, I seriously wish I had videoed her reaction when I gave her money for one semester of Raymond's college--it was unbelievable. These words that Francis sent simply can not do justice to what she must be like right now.

Jesus' provision doesn't REALLY surprise me anymore, but I think there will always be some sort of surprise when seemingly impossible things are made possible right before your eyes.

When I had to raise $4000 to go to Papau New Guinea for a summer, that was impossible to me--the Lord provided in miraculous ways.
When I was extremely stressed about how I would pay off all my school debt and still live a life of freedom and abandonment to Jesus--the Lord provided in an unfortunate way, yet he still provided for all my debt, and then some.
When I was a little doubtful about if I could raise $2000 for Uganda in 6 weeks--the Lord provided in 4 weeks.
When need after need arose before me in Uganda for Alma house and Mama Jane--the Lord provided financially through you and me.

Jehovah-Jireh -- The Lord Will Provide/ God, Our Provider

That was one of the names the Jews referred to God as.

I can tell you that I personally know this Jehovah-Jireh. We have met countless times and I have a feeling this is just the beginning of our relationship.


FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT HELPED SPONSOR: Please email me or mail me a couple of photos of your family. Please write a letter to Joy or Raymond or Alma house or Mama Jane. And if you have kids, they can draw pictures or something. I think this would be a cool way of forming more than a financial relationship. I'm going to ask Uncle Francis to get photos of them, as well as letters, and send to us. If you can do that this week, that would be great!

Education for Ugandans

Friends,

I hesitate to write this, but I guess I just feel like this is what I am supposed to do.

For those of you that read my blog while I was in Uganda, you know the story about Mama Jane and her son Raymond--how the Lord provided money for Raymond to go to college through the excess funds I had raised to go to Uganda.

Well Uncle Francis just sent me an email with an update on Mama Jane. (I have asked him to keep me updated on what is happening with Alma house) He tells me that she is very distraught right now because she has one college student and 2 high school students (her biological children) and she can not afford to pay for, really, any of them to attend school this term (if ever). I believe she is, at least, hoping to be able to afford Bridget's fees, but she is stressing out greatly because of the other two. I believe a lot of her trouble is from having to choose which child's education to support.

As you may already know, education in Uganda is very expensive and highly unattainable for most. Mama Jane desires an education for her children so much--equally, if not more than all of us here. She is doing all she can--giving up her life to live in a remote village to be a non-biological mother for 12 children--to provide for them.

Anyways, Uncle Francis was asking me if I know of anyone that would want to sponsor her children's education. For better or for worse, the means by which most Ugandans get through the educational system is having a Western "sponsor." I told him I would "see what I can do."
I absolutely plan on sending Mama Jane some money as soon as possible, but I am unsure of how much I can commit throughout the rest of the rest for both of her young adults.

I asked Francis for more details and this is what he gave me:

Raymond:
--2 terms of university left which go through June
--each semester is $180
--a total of $360
--i have never actually met him, but I feel connected to him for obvious reasons

Joy:
--4 terms of high school left at $128 each
--This young woman is absolutely amazing. One of the most humble, servant-hearted spirit's I've ever met. She has beautiful dreams and I believe the Lord is going to do great things with her. I truly want to support her future in any way I can. The picture above is f Joy.

Anyways, I'm not necessarily asking any of you for money. Really. I just feel like part of my role in being in between the worlds of Uganda and America is to share the struggles of my people 'over there' with my people here. Of course in hopes that the Lord will do His thing with the details.

Coincidentally, I was going to send over a check to Alma house next month that I've been saving up. My hope is to send money directly for Alma house every 3 months. (Maybe more frequently, if Francis says so)
I'm just letting you know this because some people have expressed interest in wanting to support Alma house in the future over this past year. So, feel free to join in at any time! I suppose I could use that money for Raymond and Joy, but I feel strongly about it going to Alma house, and then just helping the other two in addition.

If there is anyone else you think may be interested, pass this on

What Is It About 20-somethings?

Emily sent me this email/article. I find this topic extremely interesting.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
So you should read the whole article--even though its long.

The article listed below articulates a lot about our (20 something) culture, and in my opinion it could not be more right on in a lot areas. Here are just a few quotes.

...

We've entered a new stage, "Arnett says, between the age of 18 and the late 20s. Among the cultural changes he points to that have led to “emerging adulthood” are the need for more education to survive in an information-based economy; fewer entry-level jobs even after all that schooling; young people feeling less rush to marry because of the general acceptance of premarital sex, cohabitation and birth control; and young women feeling less rush to have babies given their wide range of career options and their access to assisted reproductive technology if they delay pregnancy beyond their most fertile years."

"...Just as adolescence has its particular psychological profile, Arnett says, so does emerging adulthood: identity exploration, instability, self-focus, feeling in-between and a rather poetic characteristic he calls “a sense of possibilities.” A few of these, especially identity exploration, are part of adolescence too, but they take on new depth and urgency in the 20s. The stakes are higher when people are approaching the age when options tend to close off and lifelong commitments must be made. Arnett calls it “the age 30 deadline.”

...and the question we are all asking...

"... is it better for young people to experiment in their 20s before making choices they’ll have to live with for more than half a century? Or is adulthood now so malleable, with marriage and employment options constantly being reassessed, that young people would be better off just getting started on something, or else they’ll never catch up, consigned to remain always a few steps behind the early bloomers? Is emerging adulthood a rich and varied period for self-discovery, as Arnett says it is? Or is it just another term for self-indulgence?"

“It’s somewhat terrifying,” writes a 25-year-old named Jennifer, “to think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to ‘get somewhere’ successful: ‘Follow your passions, live your dreams, take risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in love and maintain personal well-being, mental health and nutrition.’ When is there time to just be and enjoy?” Adds a 24-year-old from Virginia: “There is pressure to make decisions that will form the foundation for the rest of your life in your 20s. It’s almost as if having a range of limited options would be easier.”

This dependence on Mom and Dad also means that during the 20s the rift between rich and poor becomes entrenched. According to data gathered by the Network on Transitions to Adulthood, a research consortium supported by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, American parents give an average of 10 percent of their income to their 18- to 21-year-old children. This percentage is basically the same no matter the family’s total income, meaning that upper-class kids tend to get more than working-class ones. And wealthier kids have other, less obvious, advantages. When they go to four-year colleges or universities, they get supervised dormitory housing, health care and alumni networks not available at community colleges. And they often get a leg up on their careers by using parents’ contacts to help land an entry-level job — or by using parents as a financial backup when they want to take an interesting internship that doesn’t pay.

“You get on a pathway, and pathways have momentum,” Jennifer Lynn Tanner of Rutgers told me. “In emerging adulthood, if you spend this time exploring and you get yourself on a pathway that really fits you, then there’s going to be this snowball effect of finding the right fit, the right partner, the right job, the right place to live. The less you have at first, the less you’re going to get this positive effect compounded over time. You’re not going to have the same acceleration.”

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/22/magazine/22Adulthood-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1

I might write more thoughts soon, but personally, I think we need to grow up.
And I think parents need to truly parent children well so that they CAN grow up when they're supposed to.

Going Home

This is apparently a good form of therapy for me. . . .


I sent these pictures to Alma house. . . .




The "Going Home" is one of my most favorite songs by Sara Groves



These lyrics above are from a wonderful song by Aaron Ivey called "Amos Song"
Every time i hear it, I feel compelled to pray these particular words for Sharif




That means "I love you so much, my family!"

My friend Becca is leaving for Uganda today to see all my Ugandan family members!
For those of you that don't know, I decided not to go to Uganda right now, mainly cause I would have only been able to actually stay for 7 days. If the Lord keeps it on my heart for a while, I could possibly go in a few months for like 2 weeks or something. Let me know if you're interested in coming! I would love to take a group of people on a shorter trip some time within the year.
I don't know if that would mean through my church or just a few friends or something.

Last I've heard, Sharif is doing good. He was having a little trouble at school, but things seems to have worked out. Everyone is just moving on with life. They say that's just how it goes in that culture. They grieve hard, then they move on. I suppose that is all you can do.
I am sending a framed picture of Eva for Alma house to put up and I hear they are excited about that.

Also, for all those interested, Uncle Francis and his wife will be at Community church and staying in College Station the night of July 18th--come if you can!

A Beautiful Dress for Eva

Adrienne, Uncle Francis' wife, replied to my question about whether or not I should think about coming to Uganda.

In her response, she thought that before I make a decision, she could give me all the information she has about the situation and that i should try to skype with the kids.

We set up a skype date tomorrow!

She gave me a very detailed play-by-play of this last week which blessed me more than she will know.

I just thought I would highlight some things she shared for those of you that are walking through this with me so that you can know what happened. There is some pretty interesting and beautiful stuff here:

"On Monday night around 8 pm the Alma House kids were all playing and then two of the girls, Naka (Eva) & Irene began teasing Sherif that so&so loves him and that he loves so&so until the point where he picked up a rock and threw it at Naka, hitting her head. It must have been a sharp rock with a lot of force because it opened the scalp pushing all of the skin up, and caused a LOT of bleeding. Mama Jane was around and after trying to figure out what was going on went up to the clinic, calling Justine to come. They also brought Sherif so he could understand the severity of the situation, although he really did, or would have, regardless of this step (in hindsite).

Justine couldn't handle the wound so called Milly. They tried to get her blood pressure and vitals stable then Milly started stitching but it was very difficult because of the amount of blood. She seemed stable so they had her stay at home in Mama Jane's room overnight. She was on a drip and slept throughout the night. In the morning her blood pressure was falling and they realized she had to go to the hospital right away.

Once at Mulago (big hospital) the fight for proper treatment continued. Uncle Willy said there are people everywhere and the doctors and nurses are just desensitized. One man died on the floor while he was waiting to be seen. Naka got admitted but didn't really get much else that day and even getting the medicines was hard.

That night Milly and I had devotions with Alma House and we talked to them about trying to be compassionate towards each other during this emotional time – that some will be feeling sad or scared or happy all at different times, so they should be sensitive to each other and also remember to treat each other as they would like to be treated. Then we also talked about forgiveness, encouraging them to think about how they would feel if they had been the one to throw the rock and remembering the things they have also done either intentionally or by accident that they have regretted. We talked of how God it is that God doesn't remember them anymore – that He chooses to not hold them against us. Then we had a good prayer time praying for Naka, asking God to forgive us of anything we remembered we'd done, etc.

Tuesday morning first thing we called the hospital and Naka was much improved. She was able to walk assisted and could talk. She talked to Francis on the phone and he told her that Sherif was so sorry and asked her if she forgave him and she said that she did. Then Francis prayed with her and for her on the phone. All day long her condition fluctuated being fine then bad. The doctors said that she didn't need the surgery after all and we all thought it was an answer to prayer that she was healed but it turns out it was probably negligence of some kind (not caring or being lazy or something). It was also a fight all day to get her the proper care. They transfered her to the neurological ward but there didn't seem to be any surgeons and the nurses said they didn't have the right needles for the medication and Mama Jane couldn't leave Naka to go get any other meds. We sent Mama Ssanyu to be with them and also take some stuff for them and this was a huge encouragement to Mama Jane. As the evening went on things got worse and worse.

As Naka was dying she saw children coming to get her....it seems the Lord had sent other little ones to escort her into His presence. She told the children that she was coming but her mother is keeping her back then she started telling Mama Jane to let her go. She wanted to go and she kept telling them to let her go, that they've (the children) come for her. She also said she was going to put on a beautiful dress. So she left this earth with the anticipation of being clothed in beauty and of being with other children in the presence of the Lord. It was God who took her home to be with Him.

Eventually Francis & Willy came to the house and all/most of the Bethany kids were gathered in the front yard as Francis then addressed them to let them know what had happened (they knew but to get the facts straight so there would be no rumours or mis information). Then he talked about it being an accident and that we as Bethany forgive Sherif. He talked to the children for some time. The children all said in union that “we forgive”and we also sang a song together at which point I went and got Sherif from his bedroom to join us on the front porch. He just knelt beside Francis and was held by him as he cried.

This afternoon we went to Alma and the kids were all busy with various things and we were told that they were doing much better. They'd all slept in the house last night. The girls have even taken some of Naka's clothes that fit them so they're more comfortable now. Mama Jane said that Sherif is even more close to her heart now."

More Eva Videos

In the first one, the little girl is Christine. The bigger girl is Eva. They are trying to pronounce my last name, which is always a fun game. They also seem to have mixed my first name up with their sister's, Bridget. I love Eva at the end! =)





In the second one, this is Sharif and Eva dancing together! On a narrow little pier!
You get to see Sharif's amazing dance moves all through out. The rest of the video is just me documenting Bethany Village on an average day during my first couple of weeks there. You'll get a lot of good stuff from this one!

My Sweet Eva

This is difficult to write, but it is needed, at the least, for myself.

Nakakande Eva is this beautiful girl you see above.

Eva, Sharif (the boy below), and the other Alma house kids were playing outside on Monday.
Sharif threw a stone, just playing around.

That stone hit Eva right in the head.
It created a deep wound.
She was taken to the local hospital, then referred to large state hospital where she received some CAT scans.
The doctors said there was a crack, but it was nothing serious, though Eva was in a tremendous amount of pain.

Sharif has been extremely depressed.
He is one of the most sensitive, tender-hearted boys I've ever met. He never played rough. He loves to dance and sing. He is a beautiful care-giver and 'mother hen' for the other children. They call him "little girl" as a nic name. He is a born evangelist and does not understand why anyone could not be in-love with Jesus. Seriously, he asked me many times. He loves Jesus more than life.

So he has been feeling much guilt and shame about hurting her.

Uncle Francis and his wife have been talking to the Alma house about forgiveness.
He asked Eva yesterday if she was still upset with Sharif and she said yes.
So he talked to her about forgiveness and asked her to forgive him.
It sounded like she did.

Last night, Eva died.

She was still at the hospital and complaining of a lot of pain. The doctors misjudged the situation as she should have received an operation urgently, according to Uncle Francis.

I can not even describe what I have been feeling today.

Except of course: broken.

I was very close to all of my girls in Alma house, but Eva and I had a special connection, especially the last few weeks. She just started openning up to me more. We laughed and joked around so much towards the end. She was one of the older ones so we could communicate pretty well. She was not very confident, but she should have been because she was SO smart! And a wonderful dancer! Oh, and boy was she witty. Even in her last letter to me, she was cracking me up with her jokes. She was the best at keeping a straight face when she was being funny. Yet, she was shy and pretended she was no good.

But towards the end, she 'let go' so much with me.
You can see some of this in the videos below.

And then, on the day I left Uganda, she was the hardest one to say goodbye to.
Everyone was very sad, acted so depressed, and many tears were shed--
but Eva literally sobbed in my arms.

That moment broke deep into the core of me.

The only way I was able to leave Bethany Village without completely falling apart is because I knew that I would be back some day. I didn't know when or how, but I just knew this was not the last time I would see them.

And its true, its not the last time I will see Eva.

I will see her dancing and cracking up with our wonderful Papa in our true home--one day.
And for that, I am comforted.

But honestly, I want to see her again here on earth.
At Alma house.
Where I left her.

But I won't.

And for that, I am broken.

As usual with this death thing--it seems so surreal.

I have dealt with death intensely recently, but never the death of a child.
This is a whole new ball game.
And not the death of one of my precious 12 children from Alma house whom I am just waiting to see again.
And not the one that I had such a unique, dear connection with.

Don't get me wrong, though. This girl was ready to be with her King. She loved Him dearly. When we joked around about what happened if you were dying, her answer was always, "Ok. I am ready. I will die." As if to say, "who cares if something happens to me? I know this place is not my home."

And then there's Sharif. . . .
Oh how my heart breaks for this sweet boy who loves to garden, cook, learn, dance, and sing.


Any one of us in America would feel awful about such a thing happening to us, and then you place this situation in Ugandan culture and it just intensifies matters.

Guilt and shame are heavily embedded within it.
If you do something bad, you are a bad person.
If something like this happens to you, you are cursed.

Now, the children at Bethany Village are seeking to follow Jesus so they do not believe and act in the ways the culture in general does, like the things stated above, but nonetheless, these battles will be intense for someone like Sharif.

Please join me in praying against the lies the enemy is going to use on him.
Pray the enemy does not steal
the joy that exudes from him.
the confidence that attracts all who encounter him.
the love that embraces every soul he meets
and the belief he has that he is dearly loved by His Father and that his Father has good, good things in store for his life.

My first instinctual emotion was "I need to be there. I need to be with Alma house."
But being the rationale that I am, I quickly dismissed such a thought and told myself "that's just emotions talking. You're here. Grieve here." And I moved on.

But later that day, as I was praying and thinking about all of it, I stepped out of my usual mindset, and tried to be more open to the Spirit.

I should never just dismiss any idea, simply out of habit.

Well how would I get the money to go?
I have money I could use on this, if the Lord is clear with me about that.
Check.
When would I go?
Well I have very serious obligations this weekend and June 10-12.
So could I go May 30-June 10th????
I start a new job June 1st.
Do I say, "forget that job. I'm not that excited about it anyway. If I'm really suppose to have it, they will wait for me. The main reason I want the job is to make money for Alma house. Maybe I'm just suppose to go to Alma house during this horrible time?"
Or do I try to go for 2 weeks in July?
Or do I stay?
This is irrational and impractical.
I don't do those kind of things.

Please pray with me in this decision.
I do not want to make this decision alone.
Input is welcome.

Now I must share some things that capture the beauty of Eva that stole my heart. . . .


Yeah, don't ask about this last one.
Just laugh.
And enjoy Eva's excitement and moves.

Lose two gain one

Check this quick, but powerful story out!!
http://jmchoul.spaces.live.com/Blog/cns!F04579021E6249A3!1260.entry#comment

This just made my day

Less than 10%

I just read a quote that Americans spend less than 10% of their income on food, less than the citizens of any other nation.

Isn't that incredibly interesting?

We are the richest in the world, but we spend only 10% of our richness on food?

So what does that mean?

For one, it means we are spending lots of money on non-necessities. Abundance. Things we think we need but we just want. Better known as, crap.

For two, we are buying cheap food. Cheap food means it has bad quality. Bad quality means it was grown or produced in ways that are lethal to our body, the ground it came from, the animal it came from, the air it grew in, the world system we live in. We're buying lots of cheap, crappy food.

For three, we spend less than any other citizens of any other country spend on food. Other people are either too poor to spend money on anything but the basic necessities or they are wise enough to spend more money on good quality food. (and by good quality, i mean, not processed)

For four, we complain about spending so much money on health care and get all roweled up about it, yet we ignore one of the major causes of our health problems that leads us to need so much health care--> bad, processed, not real, food. Let's spend more money and time on good food and not so much on health care issues. Let's change the food industry and maybe we won't need to worry about health care quite as much.

Basically we do not know how to spend money, nor how to eat well.

This makes me sad.

Real Food

I highly recommend this book to anyone who is ever so slightly interested in food, health, or the present day food industry, etc.

If you want to be more connected to food--this is a great tool.

Its not one of those that you walk away thinking, "Uhg why did I read that, now I will have images of all this gross stuff from the food industry."

Its really easy to read.

Its crammed with back-up information and evidence to support her ideas.

Its extremely insightful, and rather revolutionary for some.

Its inspirational.

I feel like I understand food so much more. I understand what is good and bad for my body. (and its not what you think, so get prepared)

I feel closer to how God intended the world to work in relation to our bodies and the earth and nutrition.

I am in awe of how God created the world and designed it for us to live in, find joy in, and see Him in everything.

Food is live-giving! Food is a gift! We were meant to be connected to our food--to grow it, to understand it, to love it, to be nourished by it, to share it, to have our fair share of it, and to eat it as God created it!

Baby steps, my friend, that's what its all about! (and the hokie pokie)

And speaking of which. . . .our garden is growing!!!!

I got this making stuff for you

I heard a story about some followers of Jesus recently who attended a rally against overseas sweatshops.

They had not invited the typical rally speakers—lawyers, activists, and academics.

Instead, they brought the kids themselves from the sweatshops to speak.

The people listened as a child from Indonesia pointed to the giant scar on his face.

“I got this scar when my master lashed me for not working hard enough. When it began to bleed, he did not want me to stop working or to ruin the cloth in front of me, so he took a lighter and burned it shut.

I got this making stuff for you.”

The people were suddenly consumed by the overwhelming reality of the suffering body of Christ.

Jesus now bore not just the marks from the nails and scars from the thorns but a gnash down his face, for when we have done it to the ‘least of these,’ we have done it to Christ himself.

They wondered, ‘How could we possibly follow Jesus and buy anything from that master?’

The statistics had a face. Poverty became personal. And that messes with you.

Notices that they didn't say they were 'consumed by overwhelming guilt.'

They were consumed by the reality of the suffering body of Christ. HE bears their scars. HE suffers with the sweatshop workers. HE bears the sin that we've all participated in, in one way or another.

Not guilt, just reality.

Early Christians in the Roman empire faced many similar issues that we do when it comes to economically supporting a global empire that works in a way that we don’t agree with.

It wasn’t easy to resist the empire of Rome and all its dazzle, luxuries to spend money on, and entire economic system that did not reflect the nature of Jesus.

Well, I read a book that dives into some of the things John was saying in the book of Revelation. I'm not going to go into a Bible study or even quote verses . . .its Revelations, who knows. And I don't have them memorized. One thing he brings up is that perhaps John was basically calling them out of dependence, infatuation, and support of that empire and that system.

The question he was posing to them is one I think is worth posing to us today.

Do we think there is no other way except the "filthy rotten system" we have today?

Is it possible we can’t see the destructiveness of our economy not because we don’t know it’s terrible but because deep down we feel that it’s necessary and that therefore it’s hopeless to criticize it?”

I'll end with this quote:

"Jesus is ready to set us free from the heavy yoke of an oppressive way of life.

Plenty of wealthy Christians are suffocating from the weight of the American dream, heavily burdened by the lifeless toil and consumption we embrace.

This is the yoke from which we are being set free!

And as we are liberated from the yoke of global capitalism, our sisters and brothers in Guatemala, Liberia, Iraq, and Sri Lanka will also be liberated.

Our family overseas, who are making our clothes, growing our food, pumping our oil, and assembling our electronics—they too need to be liberated from the empire’s yoke of slavery.

Their liberation is tangled up with our own.

The new yoke isn’t easy. (it’s a cross for heaven’s sake)

But we carry it together, and it is good and leads us to rest, especially for the weariest traveler."